A Touch Of Humor

"Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Bob Hope

A Touch Of Humor

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles." 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

I just read that one of the least-returned holiday gifts for women is anti-aging skin cream. So, if you're thinking of buying the woman you love anti-aging skin cream — still don't.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needs it most?

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

Operator! Give me the number for 911.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

In Indiana, a high school teacher was caught in her classroom snorting cocaine. People became suspicious when parent-teacher conferences lasted only 10 seconds.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be — Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

Arby’s is currently testing a new sandwich called “The Arbynator” that features roast beef, curly fries, and both cheese and honey sauces. They named it after the Terminator because it’s the only sandwich that will make you want to go back in time and stop yourself from eating it.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Jerry Springer says he won’t run for governor of Ohio next year. You know politics has gotten messy when Jerry Springer’s like, “I can’t be associated with this.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

A New York woman is suing her surgeon claiming he was on his cell phone during her operation. In response, the doctor said, “For your information, I was Googling ‘how to perform surgery.’”

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

A Touch Of Humor

“To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

A Touch Of Humor

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Jack Benny