A Touch Of Humor

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

“The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland

A Touch Of Humor

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

• I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? why do you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

Morey Amsterdam

A Touch Of Humor

• The Pentagon is reportedly considering nuclear retaliation as a response to cyber-attacks by hackers. The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement. 
• - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Wisdom

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.” 

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert Gives You the Business

A Touch Of Humor

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

A bank is a place that will loan you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

A Touch Of Humor

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck.'

Emo Philips

A Touch Of Humor

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Humor

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

“Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information” 
― Scott Adams, The Joy of Work: Dilbert's Guide to Finding Happiness at the Expense of Your Co-Workers

A Touch Of Humor

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Andy Rooney