A Touch Of Humor

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

A Touch Of Humor

• Wildlife experts are reportedly puzzled as to why a pair of bald eagles at the National Arboretum, named Mr. President and The First Lady, have not yet laid an egg this spring. Though they haven't really been getting along since Mr. President had that affair with Storky Daniels. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.” 
― Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

• The queen of England is planning a huge concert for her 92nd birthday. The queen made the decision right after finding out Pitbull is available. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Today, President Trump had a meeting with Bill Gates. At one point, both looked at each other and went, “Wow, what a terrible haircut.” - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

• This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

According to the statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds.. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him.

Morey Amsterdam

A Touch Of Humor

“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a sixth "Terminator" film, which will begin production this fall. In this one, Arnold goes back in time to stop them from making the fifth "Terminator" film. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.” 
― Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

• In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold medalist Chloe Kim. It’s called the Way Too Good for Ken Collection. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Walmart announced that they will not sell guns to people under 21. Walmart added, “But if you’re 22 and [ticked] off, come on down!” - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Former first lady Michelle Obama has announced that her memoir, entitled "Becoming," will be published in November. The book will cover some of the most exciting times in Michelle Obama's life, like that time she got $65 million to write a memoir! - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• A new report claims that California is the state with the worst quality of life. “Ha-ha!” said a New Yorker – right before a rat fell in his mouth. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• The CEO of SeaWorld has stepped down. He's going to be getting a $10 million retirement package – if he can jump up and catch it with his mouth. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• After years of bad publicity, SeaWorld's CEO is stepping down. He wasn't sure what was worse – emptying his desk, or the seals clapping as he left. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

It takes two to lie - - one to lie and one to listen.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

Ellen DeGeneres