A Touch Of Humor

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel (New York Yankee Baseball Team Manager)

A Touch Of Humor

• A man in New Hampshire was arrested after walking around a Planet Fitness gym completely naked. He defended himself by telling officers he thought it was a “judgment-free zone," because that's the gym's motto. So apparently, there is such a thing as too much body positivity. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Two women from Minnesota are seeking to file discrimination charges after the police were called on them for breastfeeding at a public pool. Even worse, their kids were charged with illegally bringing in an outside beverage. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Thank God I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where tacos live ...

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

• Researchers in Asia have developed a robot that is capable of assembling furniture from Ikea. Completely true! The robot assembled an Ikea chair in just about 20 minutes. If you think this will save you a lot of time, think again. The first step is, you've got to assemble the robots. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• A Republican congressional candidate sent out anti-Semitic messages in a robocall. Of course, anti-Semites are now furious that robots are taking their jobs. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

President Trump arrived in England today and he was greeted by hundreds of angry protesters. Of course, it didn’t help that Trump arrived in England wearing a Croatian soccer jersey. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper.

- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

• At this weekend's London marathon, a man proposed to his girlfriend while dressed as a T. Rex — which backfired when his arms were too short to open the ring box. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• On Tuesday, a cow named Char won the "sexiest cow in Britain" award. Don’t worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• New York's State Assembly is considering a new bill that would legalize alcoholic ice cream. "That's great news," said a five-year-old having a rough day. “Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma.” - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Teacher: "Where is your book?"

Student: "At home."

Teacher: "And what's it doing there?"

Student: "Having more fun than me."

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

Dan Rather

A Touch Of Humor

• Another major corporation has been hacked. Customer information has been compromised in a recent data breach at the restaurant chain Chili's. Chili's customers were furious, they were like, "I want my data back, data back, data back..." - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• After 30 years on the bench, [Justice Anthony] Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day. - Jimmy Fallon