A Touch Of Humor

“If you're Native American and you pray to the wolves, you're a savage. If you're African and you pray to your ancestors, you're a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that's just common sense.” 
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

A Touch Of Humor

My dentist - he found a new way to hide his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

U.S. Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

My wife. She's a lousy cook. She can't cook at all. I leave my dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: The arrival of Spring Break]

And Spring Break, the time of year when drunk and entitled American kids head to Cabo and Tijuana and the Mexicans chant "Build the Wall."

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: The U.S. Senate voted to overturn President Trump's emergency declaration for his border wall with Mexico.]

The Senate vote is unlikely to stand, however; Trump has promised to veto it, perpetuating a legal stalemate that Stephen Colbert called a “precedent established in the landmark case Nuh Uh v Yeah Huh."

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Beto O'Rourke's Presidential candidacy after narrowly losing to Ted Cruz for a U.S. Senate Seat from Texas.]

“You see, humans are weird,” said Trevor Noah. “If you win easily, people hate you, like Tom Brady. And if you lose by too much, we just think you suck. But if you lose by just a little bit, people are like: ‘That’s my guy.’”

A Touch Of Humor

"Space Force and borders. It’s pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, [President] Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons.”

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

A Touch Of Humor

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?” 
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

A Touch Of Humor

[BOROWITZ REPORT FICTITIOUS HEADLINE AND STORY]

“COHEN TESTIMONY LEAVES KIM JONG UN DOUBTING WHETHER TRUMP CAN BE TRUSTED”

“At one point, the North Korean dictator turned to us [the media] and said, ‘What kind of lowlife am I dealing with?’ “

Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report

A Touch Of Humor

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”

-Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

I don't get no respect from anyone.. Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, "Be quiet, you'll wake up daddy."

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“So that’s where we are as a country right now: Trump’s trying to build a wall to prevent outsiders from coming in, while Americans are forced to cross the border into Mexico just to get affordable medication,” “Hey, if Mexico won’t pay for the wall, maybe Pfizer will.”

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah rejected Ivanka Trump's claim that people don’t want free things. “People love free shit … I’ve been to Costco – I’ve seen people put on disguises to get a second free sample of Bagel Bites.”