A Touch Of Humor

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

A Touch Of Humor

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“If you're Native American and you pray to the wolves, you're a savage. If you're African and you pray to your ancestors, you're a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that's just common sense.” 
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

A Touch Of Humor

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in the mail one day and say, 'Aw shit, I'm secretary of state next month.'

Wanda Sykes

A Touch Of Humor

Authorities in South Carolina have dropped drug charges against a college football player after a test proved the white substance on the hood of his car was bird poop, not cocaine. Though I can understand their suspicion because everyone knows the best place to hide cocaine is on the hood of your car.

Seth Meyers.

A Touch Of Humor

For the rich there’s THERAPY.

For the rest of us there’s CHOCOLATE.

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

“New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math.” 
― Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

A Touch Of Humor

“When did ignorance become a point of view?” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

A Touch Of Humor

"The number of households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. This is America! The only excuse for not having a TV in your home is, you’re too fat to fit into Best Buy to get one.”

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch Of Humor

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

When you play spin the bottle if they don't want to kiss you, they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old, I owned my own home.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” 
― George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

The Princeton Review recently named Syracuse University America’s number one party school. Said people at Syracuse, “This is a school?”

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah on being a comedian: "If this comedy thing doesn't work out, I've always got poverty to fall back on."

A Touch Of Humor

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”– Navjot Singh Sidhu

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby: Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2-pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2-pound baby be this premature? —Wanting to Know
Dear Wanting: The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.

A Touch Of Humor

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”– Jim Rohn

A Touch Of Humor

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”– Samuel Goldwyn