Alice: Oh, that is a very important responsibility, Ralph. You better start now and find out what the visiting hours are at Bellevue.
Ralph: That did it, Alice - that did it. You have just broken the camel's back with that straw. You have ridiculed my brother Racoons. You have just made fun of something very big that's close to my heart.
Alice: The only thing big that's close to your heart is your stomach.
The Honeymooners
Royal Caribbean has announced a US come back for this summer. There’s only one catch. Vaccinations are optional. What the what? You can’t trust cruise passengers to make smart health decisions. These are people who wait in line to scoop up macaroni salad from a bin a toddler left a flip-flop in.
Stephen Colbert
Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”
Steve Martin
[Peter is eating cereal].
Peter: Oh my God, Brian... There's a message in my Alpha Bits... It says "Ooooooo".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Family GuyIn India, [the] huge surge in cases along with the vaccine shortage is pushing people to try unconventional treatments. So much so that doctors are trying to convince people that there’s no evidence smearing yourself in cow dung cures coronavirus. Though I’m pretty sure it will keep people 6 feet away.
Stephen Colbert
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
The Golden Girls
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long-distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee. I...I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?
Telemarketer: Uh...well, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
Seinfeld
“What is the meaning of life?”
All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.
Author Unknown
From my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook page
[When comedian Brian Regan flies, he tries to get an emergency exit row seat.]
You know what kills me? When you’re in the emergency exit row seat ... you agree to save everyone. How come when the flight is over, no-one thanks you?
You’d think someone would take note of it on the way out. [And say], “The fact that you were willing to put your life on the line to save me, my family and all the other souls on this plane is one of the greatest gifts a human can offer to another.”
Brian Regan
Meanwhile, as pandemic restrictions ease, and the vaccine rollout continues, major companies like Domino’s are now struggling to hire enough employees. Yeah, you can tell Domino’s is desperate. Earlier today, they ordered Papa John’s and kidnapped the driver.
Jimmy Fallon
[There is currently a shortage of rental cars]
That rental car thing could be my fault. I always buy the insurance and instead of returning (the car) to the airport, I drive it off a cliff.
Stephen Colbert
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a woman who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect woman? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect woman. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."Oh, I saw that Martha Stewart just announced the release of her 99th Cookbook. 99! At this point the recipes are just I dunno know – bologna on an Oreo?
Jimmy Fallon
I saw that Guinness just debuted a new beer with Nitro Cold Brew Coffee in it. The perfect gift for the sluggish drunk in your life. It’s a great product if you want your heart to feel like it’s napping and skydiving at the same time.
Jimmy Fallon
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
[The Oscars’ Low TV Ratings] One of the winners went up there and did that thing they always do: He thanked his Agent and God and told his kids, “Go to bed kids.” And the babysitter texted back: “They already did.”
Bill Maher
[Vacationing in an RV during COVID-19] But this year when families were housebound with one another, living, working and schooling all under the same roof everybody was naturally thinking: I wish there was a way we could do all this in an even smaller space but with a chemical toilet in traffic.
Stephen Colbert
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Unijokes.com
