A Touch Of Humor

I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Jackie Mason

A Touch Of Humor

I read that muffins sold at Walmart and 7-Eleven have been recalled over concerns about listeria. Walmart apologized while 7-Eleven just slapped on a sticker saying listeria flavor. 

Jimmy Fallon  

A Touch Of Humor

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

― Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) (Popular Poet, Playwright and Humorist) 

A Touch Of Humor

DID YOU KNOW? 

Replacing your potato chips with grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

Author Unknown 

Thank you to my Facebook friend Barbara Ann for sharing this with us. 

A Touch Of Humor

 PEANUTS

Lucy: “In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, some people place their deck chairs to the fore and look at what’s coming, and others place there’s to the aft and look at what’s past. In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, which way is your deck chair facing?”

Charlie Brown: “In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, I’m one of those who can’t get my deck chair unfolded.”

Thank you to my friend Tom Brown for sharing this humor with us.

A Touch Of Humor

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

-George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’

-Chris Rock

A Touch Of Humor

“To live is to risk it all; otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you.”

 — Rick (Rick and Morty)

A Touch Of Humor

 “To be honest . . . I think the only thing that really worked in my favor, is that right from the beginning I really didn’t [care] whether or not [Seinfeld] was a success. That’s not to say I didn’t want to do good work, but I wasn’t about to let myself be judged by network standards. When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”

Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

A Touch Of Humor

"Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father."

"I don't wanna be your father."

"That's perfect. You already know your lines."

ABED (DANNY PUDI) AND JEFF (JOEL MCHALE) ON COMMUNITY (NBC, 2009)

A Touch Of Humor

I’d Rather Let A Thousand Guilty Men Go Free Than Chase After Them.

Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons

A Touch Of Humor

This Anonymous Clan Of Slack-Jawed Troglodytes Has Cost Me The Election. And Yet, If I Were To Have Them Killed, I Would Be The One To Go To Jail. That’s Democracy For You.

Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

A Touch Of Humor

California is in the grip of a drought. And that’s caused Sacramento’s drinking water to taste like dirt. But one city official assured residents: “It might not taste great ... but it is still safe to drink.” And [he] was immediately sued for copyright infringement by Michelob Ultra [Because this how Michelob describes Ultra] 

 Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

"Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing."

Ricky Gervais 

A Touch Of Humor

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

Sam Levenson (American Humorist, Author, TV Host, Journalist)

A Touch Of Humor

Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?

Ted Striker: I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.

Airplane (The Movie)

A Touch of Humor

“I’m the cool dad. That’s my thang. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: Laugh Out Loud. OMG: Oh My God. WTF: Why the Face?”

PHIL DUNPHY (TY BURRELL) ON MODERN FAMILY (ABC, 2009)

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"It will be gone by June."

On rock 'n' roll, Variety magazine in 1955.

A Touch Of Humor

The world’s first wooden satellite will launch this year. It will be the first satellite to burn up on exit. They’re launching it in order to test the durability of plywood panels in the extreme conditions of space ... As a one time owner of several IKEA items, I can tell you that plywood panels can’t even handle the extreme conditions of [an] apartment. 

Stephen Colbert  

A Touch Of Humor - Trevor Noah - Hot weather

The National Weather Service [said today] “No easy way to say this, so we’ll just cut straight to the chase: “It’s going to be very hot for a long time.”

Trevor Noah: That’s right, very hot for a long time. Also known in meteorology circles as the Halle Berry phenomena.

A Touch of Humor

Dan: You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne: Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!

Roseanne

A Touch of Humor

Ted Baxter: Folks, I've just received a special news bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth."

The Mary Tyler Moore show