Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
brainyquote.com
Friday, October 29, 2021
Thursday, October 28, 2021
A Touch Of Humor
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit
. Mitch Hedberg
brainyquote.com
Wednesday, October 27, 2021
A Touch Of Humor
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
brainyquote.com
Tuesday, October 26, 2021
A Touch of Humor
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
brainyquote.comMonday, October 25, 2021
Friday, October 22, 2021
A Touch Of Humor
This is interesting. I saw that Amazon has launched a new invite only section of its site called ‘Luxury Stores.’ [CNN: “At Amazon’s new ‘Luxury Stores,’ you can’t buy anything unless you’re invited.”] That’s nice. Now you can order a $5000 Oscar de la Renta gown and then have the package hurled over your fence.
Jimmy Fallon
Thursday, October 21, 2021
A Touch Of Humor
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
- Michael J. Fox
brainyquote.com
Wednesday, October 20, 2021
A Touch Of Humor
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?
Elaine Nardo: A lot.
"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Wow! Right on the nose!
"Taxi" (1970's sitcom)
Tuesday, October 19, 2021
A Touch Of Humor
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
brainyquote.com
Monday, October 18, 2021
A Touch of Humor
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
—Steven Wright
Friday, October 15, 2021
A Touch of Humor
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”
—Shane Richie, British actor
Thursday, October 14, 2021
A Touch of Humor
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”
—Charlie Brown
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
Tuesday, October 12, 2021
A Touch of Humor
“WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.”
—Crystal Lowery
Monday, October 11, 2021
A Touch of Humor
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
—Nora Ephron
Friday, October 8, 2021
Thursday, October 7, 2021
A Touch of Humor
“Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.”
Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)
Wednesday, October 6, 2021
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
A Touch of Humor
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
Bill Hicks
brainyquote.com/Monday, October 4, 2021
A Touch of Humor
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
brainyquote.comFriday, October 1, 2021
A Touch of Humor
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
George Burns
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