A Touch of Humor

 - "Can you fly this plane and land it?"

- "Surely you can't be serious."

- "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."

Airplane! (1980)

A Touch of Humor

 I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’

 Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ 

Zach Galifianakis

A Touch of Humor

 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. 

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

 -Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. 

Bill Murray

A Touch of Humor

 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

 Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Author unknown

A Touch of Humor

 Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”

Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”

—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

A Touch of Humor

  “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”

—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

A Touch of Humor

  “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”

—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

A Touch of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

A Touch of Humor

  “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

A Touch of Humor

  “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring:

 ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

—Steven Wright

A Touch of Wisdom

 I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

 Lenny Bruce

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/lenny-bruce-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. 

Fran Lebowitz

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/fran-lebowitz-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

 Jerry Seinfeld

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jerry-seinfeld-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

Larry David