A Touch of Humor

  “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

  “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

—Erma Bombeck

A Touch of Humor

 “When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”

― Stephen King, Storm of the Century

A Touch of Humor

 “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

― Jerome K. Jerome

A Touch of Humor

 “Never memorize something that you can look up.”

― Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”

― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

A Touch of Humor

 “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

― Robert A. Heinlein

A Touch of Humor

 I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. 

- Fran Lebowitz

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A Touch of Humor

 Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. 

- Jay Leno

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A Touch of Humor

 I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

 Jerry Seinfeld

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A Touch of Humor

 I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. 

Steven Wright

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A Touch of Humor

 I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

 Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

A Touch of Humor

 As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett 

A Touch of Humor

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Tom Lehrer

A Touch of Humor

 Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' 

-Charles M. Schulz

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A Touch of Humor

 When I'm not longer rapping, I want to open up an ice cream parlor and call myself Scoop Dogg. 

- Snoop Dogg

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A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 

- Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

  “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

—Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”

—Anonymous