A Touch of Humor

 Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. 

Oscar Levant

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_2

A Touch of Humor

 If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

 Johnny Carson

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

 Mark Twain

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

A Touch of Humor

 “You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”

― Bill Watterson

A Touch of Humor

 “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

― Robert Benchley

A Touch of Humor

 “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

― Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

A Touch of Humor

 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.”

― Charles Schultz

A Touch of Humor

 “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

― Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

 “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

A Touch of Humor

 “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

― Mae West

A Touch of Humor

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

A Touch of Humor

 It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

Bill Hicks

A Touch of Humor

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

A Touch of Humor

 If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Sam Levenson

A Touch of Humor

 If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart