A Touch of Humor

 "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." 

- Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 "I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun." 

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

 - Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm a terrible cook, but I'm an excellent eater." 

- Anthony Bourdain

A Touch of Humor

 "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure." 

- Tommy Cooper

A Touch of Humor

 In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

Demetri Martin

A Touch of Humor

 You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

A Touch of Humor

 If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Bill Vaughan

A Touch of Humor

 Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.

J. Paul Getty

A Touch of Humor

 Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

Voltaire

A Touch of Humor

 If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

A Touch of Humor

 “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”

 — Jeff Valdez

A Touch of Humor

 “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” 

—Nora Ephron

A Touch of Humor

 “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” 

- Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

  “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”

 —Shane Richie

A Touch of Humor

 . “We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” 

—Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped playing chess.

A Touch of Humor

  What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

 A dirty double-crosser.

A Touch of Humor

 What do you call a hippie’s wife? 

Mississippi.

A Touch of Humor

 What did one DNA say to the other DNA? 

“Do these genes make me look fat?”