A Touch of Humor

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

Emo Phillips

A Touch of Humor

  "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

-Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

  "I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years."

-Ellen Degeneres.

A Touch of Humor

  "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

-Demetri Martin.

A Touch of Humor

 "I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 "My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." 

- Milton Berle

A Touch of Humor

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago, it was grass.'" 

- Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

"A woman in California recently gave birth in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. When asked why she chose Chick-fil-A, she said, 'I wanted my baby to be delivered with a side of waffle fries.'" 

- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 "According to a new study, dogs can understand human emotions. And in a related study, humans can understand that dogs want treats." 

- Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

"A man in Texas was arrested for stealing more than $1.2 million worth of fajitas over nine years. When asked why he did it, he said, 'I was just trying to spice up my life.'" 

- Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."

- Ken Dodd

A Touch of Humor

 "I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days." 

- Totie Fields

A Touch of Humor

 I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"

Bill Hicks

A Touch of Humor

 If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

Redd Foxx

A Touch of Humor

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

-Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

 But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

-Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 "I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early or acting like you know what you're doing." 

- Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 "I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do the day after."

 - Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

George Carlin