A Touch of Humor

 I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.

Si Robertson

A Touch of Humor

 A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

Fatz Domino

A Touch of Humor

 True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

A Touch of Humor

 I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’

Natasha Leggero

A Touch of Humor

 I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Tommy Cooper

A Touch of Humor

 I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

Bill Hicks

A Touch of Humor

 Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

Andy Rooney

A Touch of Humor

 I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

Anthony Jeselnik

A Touch of Humor

 I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 In Texas an 18 year old was arrested for giving marijuana to his 2 year old nephew. Authorities were outraged, but he had a good defense– he said “Have you ever baby-sat for a 2 year old?”

A Touch of Humor

It was revealed that Pope Francis has been spontaneously calling Catholics to comfort them, earning the nickname the “Cold Call Pope.” He’s also apparently convinced many of them to switch to Sprint, get their carpets cleaned and sign up with DirecTV.

A Touch of Humor

I saved several hours by not buying and reading “Time Management For Dummies.”

A Touch of Humor

 On-line shopping when you’re drunk is really cool. Because a few days later you get all these gifts you didn’t expect, sent by someone who knows you pretty well.

A Touch of Humor

 At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Phillips

A Touch of Humor

 Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."

 - Stephen Colbert

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."

 - Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."

 - Conan O'Brien