A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

From the New York Times: A bill introduced in the House and Senate would prevent hedge funds from owning single-family houses in the United States.
They’ll still be allowed to own individual congresspersons and senators but they have to buy them one at a time.

A Touch of Humor

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 A thief brandishing a silver handgun stole $60,000 from a Whole Foods in Manhattan. $60,000, or as the manager of Whole Foods called it, a bag of heirloom tomatoes.

You Know You Are Getting Old When:

Dear Reader: At 79, I feel great and doing some of the best work of my life. But I would like to share a few observations with you. Please enjoy.

You know you are getting old:

1) When people younger than you are referred to as ELDERLY.

2) When people now walk with you to the car for YOUR safety.

3) When you qualify for every senior discount.

4) When you are quietly removed from the organ donar list.

5) When you can wear any outlandish thing you want and people cheer you on.

6) When you can spoil your grandchildren or the grandchildren of others and realize you no longer have to limit your generosity. You've become Santa Claus.

7) When people think you are wise, however little you may know. The older you look, the better. At last, a benefit to wrinkles.

With Love To All - Dick

A Touch of Humor

 I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Bernard Manning 

A Touch of Humor

 The average person eats nine spiders, every time I cook for them.

Anthony Jeselnik

A Touch of Humor

 Our attention span is short. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney

A Touch of Humor

 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" The doctor told her, "Don't worry. Those are just contractions."