Jerry Seinfeld
Monday, October 31, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
Saturday, October 29, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Daniel Tosh
Daniel Tosh
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?
Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus
A Touch Of Humor
Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"
Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus
A Touch Of Humor
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen'. That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen"... Then when he gets out of hand I get to go "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
Louis C.K.
Louis C.K.
A Touch Of Humor
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
John Oliver
John Oliver
A Touch Of Humor
I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'
John Oliver
John Oliver
A Touch Of Humor
One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts.
John Oliver
John Oliver
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"Cranberries are, I think we can all agree, nature's most disgusting berry. Cranberries taste like cherries who hate you. Cranberries taste like what a raspberry drinks before a colonoscopy."
John Oliver
John Oliver
A Touch Of Humor
"I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself."
Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Monday, October 17, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV."
John Oliver
John Oliver
Sunday, October 16, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"Foreign newspapers; if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?"
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children understand the concept of God?"
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
"I talked to Bay Buchanan, founder of the political action committee to get immigrants out of America. Sounds like a hard job. We should find some immigrants to do that.
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
"Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
"Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
Sunday, October 9, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch of Humor
“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
A Touch Of Humor
“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen”
Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Friday, October 7, 2016
Thursday, October 6, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
Two mechanics have been arrested for using a Vatican car to smuggle Marijuana, or as the Pope put it, "Man, this incense is great."
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"A new study says dogs feel genuine love for their owners. While cats just keep a journal of all the things they hate about you."
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"The College Board says it's revamping the SAT to focus on what students will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: "How much money do your parents have?"
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Homor
"It was just reported that the number of single people in the U.S. is at its highest level in 38 years. At which point, the makers of Haagen-Dazs and the makers of Hot Pockets high fived each other."
Jimmy Fallon -
Jimmy Fallon -
A Touch Of Humor
Costco just announced that it made $537 million in the last quarter. Which means there's a record number of people saying, "What the hell am I gonna do with ten thousand rolls of paper towels?"
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"Keep the company of those who seek the truth; run from those who have found it."
Vaclav Havel (Former Czechoslovakia President)
Vaclav Havel (Former Czechoslovakia President)
Monday, October 3, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"I confess that when I first read that smog is particularly hazardous to children, senior citizens, and physically active people, for a brief moment I thought, I'm in the clear for at least ten years."
Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone
A Touch Of Humor
"I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon."
Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone
A Touch Of Humor
"I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge."
Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone
A Touch Of Humor
"I happen to be a devout atheist. I don't believe in God. I still go to church ... I'm not a heathen. I go to an atheist church. We have crippled guys who stand up and testify that they were crippled, and they still are."
Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone
A Touch Of Humor
"My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P."
Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone
A Touch Of Humor
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone
A Touch Of Humor
"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have someplace to put my savings."
Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone
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