A Touch of Humor

 

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Radio Pioneer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."

Spike Milligan (1918 - 2002) (Comedian, Writer, and Actor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

Ann Landers (1918 - 2002) (Advice Columnist and Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast."

Demetri Martin (1973 - ) (Comedian, Cartoonist, and Writer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You can fool some of the people all of the time—and those are the ones you should concentrate on."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

Terry Pratchett (1948 - 2015) (Fantasy Author, Satirist, and Humorist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) (Legendary Comedian and Master of the Quick Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel!

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 

"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." 

- Sam Ewing

A Touch of Humor

 

“Have you ever noticed that their stuff is junk, but your junk is stuff?”

— George Carlin (Legendary American stand-up comedian, social critic, and author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Brian, there’s a message in my cereal. It says 'oooooo.' Wait… those are just Cheerios."

— Peter Griffin (Family Guy)

A Touch of Humor

 

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

— Dr. Seuss (Writer and illustrator of beloved children's books)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) (Humorist, Actor, and America's Favorite Cowboy Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Rita Rudner (1953 - ) (Comedian, Actress, and Best-Selling Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Iconic Stand-Up Comedian, Social Critic, and Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'"

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra (1915 - 1998) (Singer, Actor, and Legendary Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian Known for Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

Jackie Mason (1928 - 2021) (Stand-Up Comedian and Comic Storyteller)

A Touch of Humor

 

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

Winnie-the-Pooh (1926 - ) (Beloved Literary Character and Accidental Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Rita Rudner (1953 - ) (Comedian, Actress, and Best-Selling Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Radio, Television, and Vaudeville Legend)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I was born by Caesarean section. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian and Master of Deadpan Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Comedian Famous for Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Social Commentator)

A Touch of Humor

 

“I look like the result of a science experiment where they tried to cross an Irishman with a string bean.”

—Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 

“I think the worst thing about being lazy is how much work it takes to avoid work.”

—Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.”

—George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m at the age where happy hour is a nap.”

—Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“I bought wrinkle cream. The instructions said, ‘For best results, start 20 years ago.’”

—Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

What a doctor. Oh, one time I saw him. He gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them whenever I wake up.

And I saw my dentist, too. Another beauty. I said to him, "Doc, look at my teeth. They're all getting yellow." He told me to wear a brown neck tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

 

40 years ago when I started doing standup, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women. We'll see. I joined a dating site for people my age called carbon dating. 

Andy Huggins

A Touch of Humor

 

You have to be ready for anything when you have kids.

One time, my son was four years old, we came back from the drugstore at the mall and he pulls a candy bar out of his pocket. Now I didn't buy him a candy bar. I knew he didn't pay for it.

So we jump back in the car, we drive back to the mall.

And this time, we went to a jewelry store.

Brian Kiley

A Touch of Humor

 

The stones. I love the stones. I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years, watch them whenever I can. Fred and Barney.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Ann Landers

A Touch of Humor

 

Authorities in Michigan are looking for a group of thieves that recently stole 22,000 apples from an orchard. If convicted they could be sentenced to up to three more weekends of apple picking.

Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

 

You know what I love about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs.

David Letterman

A Touch of Humor

 

Yeah, I know I'm ugly ... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said, 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“Doing nothing is hard—you never know when you’re done.”

— Leslie Nielsen

A Touch of Humor

 

I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except when I leave the house I go out through the window.

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I hate when people say, ‘Age is only a number.’ Age is clearly a word.”

— Brian Kiley

A Touch of Humor

 

“My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.”

— Eric Idle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.”

— Tim Vine

A Touch of Humor

“My friend told me he didn’t understand cloning. I said, ‘That makes two of us.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield