A Touch of Humor

 

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Woody Allen (1935 - ) (Filmmaker, Writer, Actor, and Comedian)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children."

Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980) (Humorist, Author, Television Host, and Teacher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me."

Unknown (Classic Aging One-Liner)

A Touch of Humor

 

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Stand-Up Comedian and Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

Billy Sunday (1862 - 1935) (Evangelist, Former Baseball Player, and Colorful Public Speaker)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian, Actor, and Master of the One-Liner)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Tom Waits (1949 - ) (Singer, Songwriter, Actor, and Celebrated Raconteur)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."

Tommy Cooper (1921 - 1984) (British Comedian, Magician, and Master of Absurd Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

Tim Vine (1967 - ) (British Comedian, Actor, and Master of the One-Liner)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off."

Abe Lemons (1922 - 2002) (Basketball Coach and Celebrated Sports Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Celebrated American Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian, Actor, and Master of Aging Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Stand-Up Legend, Author, and Social Satirist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it."

Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) (Humorist, Actor, and America's Cowboy Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."

Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917 - 2016) (Actress, Socialite, and Celebrated Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

Mae West (1893 - 1980) (Actress, Playwright, Screenwriter, and Legendary Comic Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him."

Cher (1946 - ) (Singer, Actress, Entertainer, and Pop-Culture Icon)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!"

Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998) (Legendary Comedian and King of the One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Celebrated American Writer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Stand-Up Comedian and Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

Joan Rivers (1933 - 2014) (Groundbreaking Comedian, Actress, and Television Host)

A Touch of Humor

 

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

Samuel Goldwyn (1879 - 1974) (Film Producer Famous for His Unintentional One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Stand-Up Comedian and Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) (Playwright, Author, and Master of the Epigram)

A Touch of Humor

 

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

Agatha Christie (1890 - 1976) (Mystery Novelist and Playwright)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000) (Cartoonist and Creator of Peanuts)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."

Opie Read (1852 - 1939) (Journalist, Novelist, and Humorist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Master of the Quick Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

Woody Allen (1935 - ) (Comedian, Writer, Actor, and Filmmaker)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998) (Legendary One-Liner Comic and the "King of the One-Liners")

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again."

Joan Rivers (1933 - 2014) (Comedian, Actress, and Television Host)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Stand-Up Legend, Author, and Social Satirist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories."

John Wilmot (1647 - 1680) (English Poet, Courtier, and Celebrated Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them."

Phil Pastoret (1933 - 2015) (Humorist, Author, and Newspaper Columnist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The older I get, the better I used to be."

Lee Trevino (1939 - ) (Golf Champion Known for His Wit and Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Lecturer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Radio Pioneer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."

Spike Milligan (1918 - 2002) (Comedian, Writer, and Actor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

Ann Landers (1918 - 2002) (Advice Columnist and Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast."

Demetri Martin (1973 - ) (Comedian, Cartoonist, and Writer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You can fool some of the people all of the time—and those are the ones you should concentrate on."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)