A Touch of Humor

 

I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except when I leave the house I go out through the window.

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I hate when people say, ‘Age is only a number.’ Age is clearly a word.”

— Brian Kiley

A Touch of Humor

 

“My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.”

— Eric Idle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.”

— Tim Vine

A Touch of Humor

“My friend told me he didn’t understand cloning. I said, ‘That makes two of us.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“I named my dog ‘Stay.’ Now I yell ‘Come here, Stay!’—he just ignores me.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t go crazy—I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”

— Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

— Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 

“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape… that would be a big step forward.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs.”

— Joe Girard

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m great at multitasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“Teamwork is important—it helps to put the blame on someone else.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“If hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

— Thomas Edison

A Touch of Humor

 

“My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo… so I had to put my foot down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 

“I wonder what chairs think about all day… ‘Oh no, here comes another asshole.’

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

 

                                                              “I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

— Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

 

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

— Tina Fey

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”

— Paula Poundstone

A Touch of Humor

 

“I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

— Jack Benny

A Touch of Humor

 

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”

— Bill Gates

A Touch of Humor

 

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

— Charles Bukowski

A Touch of Humor

 

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

— Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t go crazy—I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”

— Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.”

— Fran Lebowitz

A Touch of Humor

 

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

— Stewart Francis

A Touch of Humor

 

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“I’m in shape… round is a shape.”

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”

Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

 

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife and I have an agreement: I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife and I don’t argue. We just have loud, passionate exchanges of opinion.”

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”

— Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

 

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

— Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

— Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

— George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“I like nonsense—it wakes up the brain cells.”

— Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop being idiots.”

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

— Dalai Lama

A Touch of Humor

 

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”

— Red Skelton

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.”

— Milton Berle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

— Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

— Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 

“Hotel breakfast buffets are where scrambled eggs go to retire.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“Travel teaches you patience, humility, and how to sleep sitting upright.”

— Bill Murray