A Touch of Humor

 

"I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra (1915 - 1998) (Singer, Actor, and Legendary Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian Known for Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

Jackie Mason (1928 - 2021) (Stand-Up Comedian and Comic Storyteller)

A Touch of Humor

 

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

Winnie-the-Pooh (1926 - ) (Beloved Literary Character and Accidental Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Rita Rudner (1953 - ) (Comedian, Actress, and Best-Selling Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Radio, Television, and Vaudeville Legend)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I was born by Caesarean section. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian and Master of Deadpan Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Comedian Famous for Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Social Commentator)

A Touch of Humor

 

“I look like the result of a science experiment where they tried to cross an Irishman with a string bean.”

—Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 

“I think the worst thing about being lazy is how much work it takes to avoid work.”

—Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.”

—George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m at the age where happy hour is a nap.”

—Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“I bought wrinkle cream. The instructions said, ‘For best results, start 20 years ago.’”

—Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

What a doctor. Oh, one time I saw him. He gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them whenever I wake up.

And I saw my dentist, too. Another beauty. I said to him, "Doc, look at my teeth. They're all getting yellow." He told me to wear a brown neck tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

 

40 years ago when I started doing standup, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women. We'll see. I joined a dating site for people my age called carbon dating. 

Andy Huggins

A Touch of Humor

 

You have to be ready for anything when you have kids.

One time, my son was four years old, we came back from the drugstore at the mall and he pulls a candy bar out of his pocket. Now I didn't buy him a candy bar. I knew he didn't pay for it.

So we jump back in the car, we drive back to the mall.

And this time, we went to a jewelry store.

Brian Kiley

A Touch of Humor

 

The stones. I love the stones. I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years, watch them whenever I can. Fred and Barney.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Ann Landers

A Touch of Humor

 

Authorities in Michigan are looking for a group of thieves that recently stole 22,000 apples from an orchard. If convicted they could be sentenced to up to three more weekends of apple picking.

Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

 

You know what I love about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs.

David Letterman

A Touch of Humor

 

Yeah, I know I'm ugly ... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said, 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“Doing nothing is hard—you never know when you’re done.”

— Leslie Nielsen

A Touch of Humor

 

I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except when I leave the house I go out through the window.

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I hate when people say, ‘Age is only a number.’ Age is clearly a word.”

— Brian Kiley

A Touch of Humor

 

“My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.”

— Eric Idle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.”

— Tim Vine

A Touch of Humor

“My friend told me he didn’t understand cloning. I said, ‘That makes two of us.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“I named my dog ‘Stay.’ Now I yell ‘Come here, Stay!’—he just ignores me.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t go crazy—I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”

— Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

— Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 

“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape… that would be a big step forward.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs.”

— Joe Girard

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m great at multitasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“Teamwork is important—it helps to put the blame on someone else.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“If hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

— Thomas Edison

A Touch of Humor

 

“My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo… so I had to put my foot down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 

“I wonder what chairs think about all day… ‘Oh no, here comes another asshole.’

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

 

                                                              “I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

— Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

 

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

— Tina Fey

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”

— Paula Poundstone

A Touch of Humor

 

“I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright