What a doctor. Oh, one time I saw him. He gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them whenever I wake up.
And I saw my dentist, too. Another beauty. I said to him, "Doc, look at my teeth. They're all getting yellow." He told me to wear a brown neck tie.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
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40 years ago when I started doing standup, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women. We'll see. I joined a dating site for people my age called carbon dating.
Andy Huggins
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You have to be ready for anything when you have kids.
One time, my son was four years old, we came back from the drugstore at the mall and he pulls a candy bar out of his pocket. Now I didn't buy him a candy bar. I knew he didn't pay for it.
So we jump back in the car, we drive back to the mall.
And this time, we went to a jewelry store.
Brian Kiley
The stones. I love the stones. I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years, watch them whenever I can. Fred and Barney.
Steven Wright
Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers
Authorities in Michigan are looking for a group of thieves that recently stole 22,000 apples from an orchard. If convicted they could be sentenced to up to three more weekends of apple picking.
Seth Meyers
You know what I love about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs.
David Letterman
Yeah, I know I'm ugly ... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said, 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except when I leave the house I go out through the window.
— Steven Wright
“I hate when people say, ‘Age is only a number.’ Age is clearly a word.”
— Brian Kiley
“My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.”
— Eric Idle
“I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.”
— Tim Vine
“My friend told me he didn’t understand cloning. I said, ‘That makes two of us.’”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I named my dog ‘Stay.’ Now I yell ‘Come here, Stay!’—he just ignores me.”
— Steven Wright
“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”
— Groucho Marx
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
— Will Rogers
“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”
— Steven Wright
“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape… that would be a big step forward.”
— Jim Gaffigan
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs.”
— Joe Girard
“I’m great at multitasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”
— Author Unknown
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
— Thomas Edison
“My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo… so I had to put my foot down.”
— Mitch Hedberg
“I wonder what chairs think about all day… ‘Oh no, here comes another asshole.’
— Bill Burr
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
— Tina Fey
“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”
— Paula Poundstone
“I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
— Jack Benny
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”
— Bill Gates
“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”
— Charles Bukowski
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
— Jim Carrey
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
— Stewart Francis
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Joan Rivers
“My wife and I have an agreement: I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife and I don’t argue. We just have loud, passionate exchanges of opinion.”
— Bill Burr
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
— Lily Tomlin
