A Touch of Humor

 

"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."

Opie Read (1852 - 1939) (Journalist, Novelist, and Humorist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Master of the Quick Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

Woody Allen (1935 - ) (Comedian, Writer, Actor, and Filmmaker)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998) (Legendary One-Liner Comic and the "King of the One-Liners")

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again."

Joan Rivers (1933 - 2014) (Comedian, Actress, and Television Host)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Stand-Up Legend, Author, and Social Satirist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories."

John Wilmot (1647 - 1680) (English Poet, Courtier, and Celebrated Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them."

Phil Pastoret (1933 - 2015) (Humorist, Author, and Newspaper Columnist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The older I get, the better I used to be."

Lee Trevino (1939 - ) (Golf Champion Known for His Wit and Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Lecturer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Radio Pioneer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."

Spike Milligan (1918 - 2002) (Comedian, Writer, and Actor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

Ann Landers (1918 - 2002) (Advice Columnist and Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast."

Demetri Martin (1973 - ) (Comedian, Cartoonist, and Writer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You can fool some of the people all of the time—and those are the ones you should concentrate on."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

Terry Pratchett (1948 - 2015) (Fantasy Author, Satirist, and Humorist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) (Legendary Comedian and Master of the Quick Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel!

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 

"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." 

- Sam Ewing

A Touch of Humor

 

“Have you ever noticed that their stuff is junk, but your junk is stuff?”

— George Carlin (Legendary American stand-up comedian, social critic, and author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Brian, there’s a message in my cereal. It says 'oooooo.' Wait… those are just Cheerios."

— Peter Griffin (Family Guy)

A Touch of Humor

 

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

— Dr. Seuss (Writer and illustrator of beloved children's books)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) (Humorist, Actor, and America's Favorite Cowboy Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Rita Rudner (1953 - ) (Comedian, Actress, and Best-Selling Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Iconic Stand-Up Comedian, Social Critic, and Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'"

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra (1915 - 1998) (Singer, Actor, and Legendary Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian Known for Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

Jackie Mason (1928 - 2021) (Stand-Up Comedian and Comic Storyteller)

A Touch of Humor

 

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

Winnie-the-Pooh (1926 - ) (Beloved Literary Character and Accidental Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Rita Rudner (1953 - ) (Comedian, Actress, and Best-Selling Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Radio, Television, and Vaudeville Legend)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I was born by Caesarean section. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian and Master of Deadpan Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Comedian Famous for Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Social Commentator)

A Touch of Humor

 

“I look like the result of a science experiment where they tried to cross an Irishman with a string bean.”

—Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 

“I think the worst thing about being lazy is how much work it takes to avoid work.”

—Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.”

—George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m at the age where happy hour is a nap.”

—Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“I bought wrinkle cream. The instructions said, ‘For best results, start 20 years ago.’”

—Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

What a doctor. Oh, one time I saw him. He gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them whenever I wake up.

And I saw my dentist, too. Another beauty. I said to him, "Doc, look at my teeth. They're all getting yellow." He told me to wear a brown neck tie.

Rodney Dangerfield