The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above average drivers.
Dave Barry
Friday, December 30, 2016
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
Jane Wagner
Jane Wagner
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
Monday, December 26, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
Friday, December 23, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts."
John Oliver
John Oliver
A Touch Of Humor
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
All dogs go to heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
George Carlin
George Carlin
Thursday, December 22, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
Health officials say there’s a
new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. Which explains
why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns.
Conan O'Brien
A Touch Of Humor
NBC is launching an all-Olympic
channel next year. It will feature the Summer Games, the Winter Games, and
two years of commercials in between.
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
Health officials say there’s a
new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given
rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and
chill.
Conan O'Brien
A Touch Of Humor
Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped
down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just
realized I really hate kids.”
Conan O'Brien
A Touch Of Humor
Facebook is testing a new group
phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50
friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on
“Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.”
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
I want to say happy birthday to
“Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf, who turned 70 today. And if you
missed his party, don’t worry. It will repeat several times tonight and
all day Sunday on the USA Network.
Jimmy Fallon
Thursday, December 15, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
It’s beginning to feel like Christmas here in Hollywood. There’s gingerbread syrup in our lattes. There’s fake snow in our outdoor shopping malls. Tiny Chihuahuas in Santa hats are peeking out of our Louis Vuitton bags. It’s really a wonderful time of the year.
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
The Hallmark Channel is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. Then Hallmark said, “That’s not true. None of the actors in our movies are stars.”
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $200.
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
Monday, December 12, 2016
Thursday, December 8, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
United Airlines just announced a new plan where you will have to pay to store a carry-on in the overhead bin. What’s next? “In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device for only $129. Major credit cards accepted.”
James Corden
James Corden
A Touch Of Humor
I prefer the normal way of shopping through Amazon — buying stuff online at 2 a.m. and being surprised by whatever shows up at my front door.
James Corden
James Corden
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
The CEO of Lego will be replaced next year. The new CEO’s head is being snapped on as we speak.
Conan O'Brien
Conan O'Brien
A Touch Of Humor
The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, “It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.”
Conan O'Brien
Conan O'Brien
Monday, December 5, 2016
Saturday, December 3, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
Subject: The
Art Collector's Wife, courtesy of my friend Ben Haney
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million, and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.
Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
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