A Touch Of Humor

If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

A 16-year-old Wichita high school student is running for governor of Kansas. The teenager’s two campaign promises are to address healthcare and get rid of trigonometry.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

Archaeologists have just uncovered evidence of a Native American civilization that vanished, completely vanished in the 13th century. Isn't that amazing? Apparently they died out months after selecting their new leader, Chief Trump. Then they were gone.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble crapping?”
“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

A Touch Of Humor

In Virginia someone broke into a man's apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

I was made merely in the image of God, but not otherwise resembling Him enough to be mistaken for Him by anybody but a very nearsighted person.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

If God needs money, why doesn't he just write another Bible? The first one sold pretty well.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

A California man is suing the makers of Heineken, claiming he found a gecko in his can of beer. But on the bright side, he did save 15 percent on car insurance.

Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

                                                                                 Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                             Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

Dave Barry On How You Too Could Own A Tank.  

“Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Today is Smokey Bear’s 73rd birthday. You can tell Smokey's getting older because now his motto is "Just Let It Burn — I'm Watching 'Judge Judy.'"

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire “a drug-infested den.” New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

"The Today Show" just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the kids!"

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life.

Number 1 - Cover for me.
Number 2 - Oh good idea, Boss!
Number 3 - It was like that when I got here.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Anne Hathaway is in talks to star in the upcoming “Barbie” movie. She’ll have to say goodbye to her brown hair for the role, while the actor playing Ken will have to say goodbye to something else.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Doctors are criticizing a hospital in Georgia for having a McDonald's restaurant in-house. When in fact, they should be praising McDonald’s for having a hospital around it.

Seth Meyers