A Touch Of Humor

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to return to the next "Terminator" movie. In this one, Arnold goes back in time to erase all traces of him hosting "Celebrity Apprentice."

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch of Humor

                                                                            Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                             Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Sam Ewing

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus.” They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

Professional children's clowns are upset that the Stephen King movie "It" makes them look like murderers. That's true. And professional murderers are upset that it makes them look like children's clowns.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

If at first you don't succeed: Give Up.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it."

Billy Crystal

A Touch Of Humor

Murphy's Other 15 Laws (Courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A Touch Of Humor

Classic - a book which people praise and don't read.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, “Oh my. He is kicking.” Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. Oh my… give me your hand… It won't be long now…

Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection.

Ellen Degeneres