A Touch Of Humor

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

“Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.” 
― Erica Jong

A Touch Of Humor

“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.” 

― Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes

A Touch Of Humor

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

 Thank you to my friend Tom Brown for sharing this with us.

A Touch Of Humor

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. Ricky Gervais (Comedian, Actor, Producer)

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I'm not a member of any organized party. I am a Democrat.

Will Rogers

A Touch Of Humor

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the m is silent.

Author Unknown
Thank you to my friend Erika Schlesinger for sharing this.

A Touch Of Humor

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.”
― Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown's Little Book of Wisdom

A Touch Of Humor

“Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your troubles, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Teddy Roosevelt

A Touch Of Humor

I have a new philosophy - I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charlie Brown (Peanuts Character)

A Touch Of Humor

Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you're in coach, they just duct tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Abraham Lincoln

A Touch Of Humor

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

Ron White

A Touch Of Humor

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

A Touch Of Humor

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

IHOP is now making their own beer. It's perfect for people who think Waffle House beer is just a little too trashy.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble. Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

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I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor." Which will be great until they all politely vote themselves off.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt. 

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. Eddie Murphy

A Touch Of Humor

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Lego just revealed that they've made too many bricks over the years and have unsold stockpiles in warehouses. So, I think President Trump just found a solution for his border wall. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

• YouTube is planning a "Karate Kid" series that follows the characters 34 years later. The show is entitled "Ralph Macchio's Mortgage Is Due." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? Dave Chappelle

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There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. 

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.

 Groucho Marx

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The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. 

Zach Galifianakis

A Touch Of Humor

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need a tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole. 

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor - Jon Stewart - Religion

Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. 

Jon Stewart (Former Talk Show Host, Popular Comedian)

A Touch Of Humor

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. Ryan Reynolds

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I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart (Popular Comedian, Actor)

A Touch Of Humor

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the Internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans. Stephen Colbert

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A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss. Tina Fey

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I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. Will Ferrell

A Touch Of Humor

I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name. Zach Galifianakis

A Touch Of Humor

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? Jon Stewart

A Touch Of Humor

Do we have to worry about who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive? Ellen DeGeneres

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.

But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had grown in seven years."

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

• A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That's when you know something's wrong, when it's easier to build a robot than an Ikea dresser. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The investment banking firm Goldman Sachs joined Instagram in an attempt to endear themselves to a new generation. Today, Goldman posted a meme that said, "We're the reason your parents lost your childhood home." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Dunkin' Donuts is now selling its first ever gluten free product. It’s called a “cup.” - Seth Meyers

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Weight Watchers announced it's changing its name. They've changed their name to "Screw It, Have the Fudge." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

North and South Korea say they want to host the 2032 Summer Olympics together. The highlight will be when the athletes try pole-vaulting from North Korea into South Korea. 

- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you're in coach, they just duct tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A judge today sentenced Bill Cosby to three to 10 years in a state prison for sexual assault. Man, what happened to all our beloved sitcom idols from the '80s? Cosby's in jail. Roseanne went racist. I hope Ted Danson isn't here tonight to confess to a string of murders. 

- Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

There are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the U.N. It's that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the king of Norway. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

In his [United Nations] address, Trump discussed the greatest threats to the peace and stability of the world. So, like most of his speeches, it was all about himself. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

A second woman has come forward to accuse Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct. For those of you keeping track, 13 more and Kavanaugh can run for president. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Our government continues to exist, because this week the Senate passed a spending bill that would keep the government open until December. But no one is sure if Trump will sign it, especially since he tweeted, "I want to know where is the money for border security and the wall in this ridiculous spending bill, and where will it come from after the midterms?" I am going to guess: not from Mexico? -  Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor - Rita Mae Brown

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”

- Rita Mae Brown

A Touch Of Humor

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

A small town in Missouri recently launched a newspaper called The Examiner. The mayor is upset about this and to understand why, you need to know that the town is called — I promise this is real — Uranus. So the newspaper that they launched is The Uranus Examiner. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• The owner of the famous Bunny Ranch brothel won the primary for the Nevada state legislature. He won on his strong record of hiring women. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• SpaceX founder Elon Musk smoked pot on a podcast. You can tell he really liked it because now he's building a rocket that goes from Taco Bell to White Castle. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Touch Of Humor

• A man in Florida has been arrested for stealing over $5 million from his job at a local credit union to produce movies. He apparently got caught after the release of his new documentary, "How I Stole $5 Million From My Local Credit Union." - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

• It was announced today the most common vegetable that toddlers eat is French fries. Or as my brain processed this story: A study has confirmed that French fries are a vegetable. I ate two plates of vegetables today and some more vegetables tonight. I'm joking. You cannot just eat French fries. You have got to eat other vegetables. You know — onion rings, loaded potato skins, carrot cake. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• Colin Kaepernick, the quarterback who started the NFL kneeling protests, has been named the face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. I've already seen it. Here's the thing — some people are so angry about this they're actually burning their Nike shoes. Yeah. Burning your own shoes as a response to something. If only there was a word for that kind of action — oh yeah, "Protesting." - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• White House Chief of Staff John Kelly released a statement last night denying that he called President Trump an idiot, saying, quote, "The idea that I ever called the president an idiot is not true. In fact, it's exactly the opposite." And it is the opposite. He called an idiot the president. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• Today, confirmation hearings continued for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. At one point, a protester screamed, "Sham president, sham justice!" Then security escorted Ruth Bader Ginsburg out of the room. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick is the new face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. And President Trump was so upset that he told his staff to throw away all of his Nike workout gear. Then they said, "Sir, you don't have ANY workout gear." He said, "Look, just buy it and throw it away." - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• According to a new report, Amazon is working on a robot that follows its owner around the house. It's basically an Alexa on wheels. This is going to be a hot item. Here's how you get one: You leave your Alexa and your Roomba alone in a bedroom and let nature take its course. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• According to a new study, roughly 20 percent of millennial parents have changed or seriously considered changing their baby's name based on what internet domain names were available at the time. "Don't make the same mistake my parents made," said Pornhub Collins. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

• Uber is working out a new feature that can tell if you're drunk when you request a ride. Here is how it works: If it's 2 a.m. and you call an Uber, you're drunk. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Is everyone here familiar with Crocs? Well, there's a brand-new style of Crocs that have just been introduced and they're selling out all over the place, although I'm not sure why. High-heel Crocs! Did we ask for this? High-heel Crocs: The perfect shoe for when you get invited to a wedding and the invitation says, "Food court formal."

                                                           James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.” 
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Construction workers recently found a 124-year-old time capsule underneath a school in Massachusetts that contains two newspapers, silver war medals, and the first season of "Grey's Anatomy." - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

HBO recently announced that LeBron James will be hosting a new talk show set in a barbershop here in Los Angeles and it's called "The Shop." Yeah, LeBron James is getting a talk show. Well, I guess this is war. I have no choice now but to start up a side gig ... and become the greatest basketball player in the world

                                                           James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

• This weekend is the 80th birthday of Superman. Now that he’s 80, Superman is rendered helpless by Kryptonite and his email password. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. - Steven Wright

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• Omarosa's new book "Unhinged" is out. And it's already an Amazon best-seller. That's just because Trump frantically bought up all the copies so no one can read it. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• After a large parrot escaped from its London home, a firefighter attempted to rescue the bird off a nearby roof. Apparently the bird's owner told the firefighter to go up there and say, "I love you." And the parrot responded with “[bleep] off.” Although the story does have a happy ending. The parrot has just been hired as Donald Trump's new press secretary. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

[President Donald Trump's new Space Force]  We finally learned about the Space Force chain of command. According to Trump, it’ll go, “E.T., Yoda, then Groot.” - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Following the launch of his own charter school, nearly 14,000 people have signed an online petition to make LeBron James the secretary of education, even though we already have one. "Who is it now?” asked Betsy DeVos.  - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• A man in Florida was recently arrested after running into a liquor store with an alligator and chasing people who were shopping there. I'm just going to say it: This emotional support animal thing has officially gone too far. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

• The New York Mets suffered their worst loss in franchise history last night losing to the Washington Nationals 25-4. It was so bad that even the ceremonial first pitch was hit for a triple. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

Some big news here in California: The state’s Supreme Court just blocked an initiative asking people to vote on whether California should be split into three separate states. It’s no coincidence that this proposal came right after the state legalized weed. “Dude, what if California was like... three Californias?” 

- James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists in Canada are working to create the world's first beer brewed entirely from cannabis. Scientists say they've been working tirelessly from morning to mid-morning.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

A Touch Of Humor

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel (New York Yankee Baseball Team Manager)

A Touch Of Humor

• A man in New Hampshire was arrested after walking around a Planet Fitness gym completely naked. He defended himself by telling officers he thought it was a “judgment-free zone," because that's the gym's motto. So apparently, there is such a thing as too much body positivity. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Two women from Minnesota are seeking to file discrimination charges after the police were called on them for breastfeeding at a public pool. Even worse, their kids were charged with illegally bringing in an outside beverage. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Thank God I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where tacos live ...

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

• Researchers in Asia have developed a robot that is capable of assembling furniture from Ikea. Completely true! The robot assembled an Ikea chair in just about 20 minutes. If you think this will save you a lot of time, think again. The first step is, you've got to assemble the robots. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• A Republican congressional candidate sent out anti-Semitic messages in a robocall. Of course, anti-Semites are now furious that robots are taking their jobs. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

President Trump arrived in England today and he was greeted by hundreds of angry protesters. Of course, it didn’t help that Trump arrived in England wearing a Croatian soccer jersey. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper.

- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

• At this weekend's London marathon, a man proposed to his girlfriend while dressed as a T. Rex — which backfired when his arms were too short to open the ring box. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• On Tuesday, a cow named Char won the "sexiest cow in Britain" award. Don’t worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• New York's State Assembly is considering a new bill that would legalize alcoholic ice cream. "That's great news," said a five-year-old having a rough day. “Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma.” - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Teacher: "Where is your book?"

Student: "At home."

Teacher: "And what's it doing there?"

Student: "Having more fun than me."

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

Dan Rather

A Touch Of Humor

• Another major corporation has been hacked. Customer information has been compromised in a recent data breach at the restaurant chain Chili's. Chili's customers were furious, they were like, "I want my data back, data back, data back..." - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• After 30 years on the bench, [Justice Anthony] Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

"When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ” 

― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

• First lady Melania Trump made a surprise trip to the U.S.-Mexico border today and visited a facility holding migrant children. "I can't imagine what terrible things you've been through," said one of the kids to Melania. - Seth Meyers

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• Today, first lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. And this isn't good — she brought her passport and everything she owns. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• According to a new report, legal marijuana sales in Colorado have seen a plateau in growth. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can't remember why they went in. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• This year, Americans spent around $15 billion on Father's Day. When dads thanked their kids for the gifts, the kids were like, "No problem, I ordered them using your Amazon account.” - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• Today it was announced the U.S. will host the 2026 World Cup with Mexico. Players can either travel from the U.S. to Mexico by plane or just walk past the wall that still won't be built. - Jimmy Fallon

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• George H.W. Bush turned 94 today, and he is now the oldest living president ever. Bush toasted himself saying, "Suck it, Thomas Jefferson." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. This is good news for every single show except "Dog the Bounty Hunter." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Everyone appreciates your honesty until you're honest with them. Then you're an ass****

George Carlin

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• Just months after President Trump promised to send astronauts back to the moon, NASA has stopped working on its moon rover project. Now when they head to the moon, the astronauts' plan is to just have a friend pick them up when they land. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• A man who was bitten by a shark, a bear, and a rattlesnake in less than four years and survived. The man thanked God he's still alive, while God said, "What do I have to do to nail this guy? I mean, come on." - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams

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• President Trump tweeted that he may pardon someone because Sylvester Stallone asked him to. The pardon is for the guy who wrote "Rocky V." - Conan O'Brien

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• A plane in Holland was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger’s body odor was so bad that it caused others to vomit and faint. You know it’s bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air. - James Corden

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• Police in Germany recently spent 9 hours using a crane to lift an escaped water buffalo from a highway. Said the water buffalo, “I GET it, I’m FAT.” - Seth Meyers

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"Everyone brings joy to this office ...
Some when they enter.
Some when they leave.

Author Unknown

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“I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It's all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• This week American Airlines released a new set of guidelines stating which emotional support animals can be taken on planes. American says they will not allow ferrets, goats, hedgehogs, insects, snakes, rodents, sugar gliders, non-household birds, or animals with tusks, horns, and hooves. This is actually good news for me, because I can still take on my pet alligator. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries." - Conan O'Brien

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• Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
― Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
- Richard Bach (Bestselling Author)

A Touch Of Humor

• The U.S. Postal Service announced on Monday that it will soon issue its first scratch-and-sniff stamps. Finally, a stamp that smells like a real bald eagle. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• 7-Eleven has announced they are going to be offering healthier options for their customers. The CEO said, "We want our customers to live to be as old as one of our hot dogs." - Conan O'Brien

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• Last night, a Picasso painting of a naked girl was sold at an auction for $115 million. So, congrats to the middle school boys who all pooled their lunch money together to buy it. - Jimmy Fallon

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“Be yourself. No one can say you're doing it wrong.”

― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

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Trying is the first step towards failure.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

A New Jersey farm has come out with a ham-flavored ice cream. So, if you like ham, and you like ice cream, you're still going to hate this. 

- Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• [Amazon's new portable robot] I mean, did we need this? Is this something we asked for? Did anybody really ask for this? A robot that follows you around all day? Nobody was saying, "You know, I like my Alexa, I just wish it would follow me into the bathroom and stare at me while I shower." - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W.C. Fields

A Touch Of Humor

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

"It is always the person not in the predicament who knows what ought to have been done and would unquestionably have done it too."

Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

A Touch Of Humor

• A group of House Republicans has nominated President Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize. As evidence, they pointed out that Trump has managed to avoid an all-out war with North Korea and Melania.  - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• A new study found that one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. Which might explain why your Roomba won't come out from under the couch. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them.- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Amazon has introduced a new service which allows a delivery person to open the trunk of your automobile by tapping on a smartphone screen so that they can deliver packages to your parked car. That's if you've got Amazon Prime. If you're just a regular customer, you have to open your sunroof and a drone drops it in from 10,000 feet. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• I heard there's a new Amazon Alexa coming out that's made just for kids. After an hour of answering your kids’ nonstop questions, it just puts on a movie to shut them up. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

A Touch Of Humor

• Some Gmail users have been getting spam messages from themselves. Which got really confusing for the one guy who actually IS a Nigerian prince. He's like, "Wait, what?" - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational
things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the
principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Negotiations to buy the company that makes Adderall ended today without a deal. Meanwhile, talks to buy the maker of Cialis lasted over four hours so they had to call a doctor. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• A former Playboy bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83 years old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, “My Trump hush money ran out.” - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Scientists have just added a new animal to the endangered species list. It’s a green-haired Australian turtle that breathes through its genitals. The reason it’s endangered is because in an emergency, nobody wants to give it CPR. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• A new report did not name New York City as one of the 25 best places to live in the country. “I’m shocked!” said an adult New Yorker with six roommates. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• One of the world’s top Donkey Kong players has been stripped of his records for cheating. He was going to be sentenced to life, but it turns out he doesn’t have one. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting. - Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens..

Bob Hope

A Touch Of Humor

Thank you to my friend Ben Haney for sharing these cartoons with us:

A Touch Of Humor

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland

A Touch Of Humor

• It's been reported that Britain's Queen Elizabeth has made over $9 million betting on horse racing. When asked to comment, Queen Elizabeth said, "That's nothing! I've won $20 million on dog fighting." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• A Virginia set of identical twin sisters will marry a set of identical twin brothers in a joint wedding this summer. They’re registered at Kinko’s. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?”
― Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. And in the end, he got great shots of everybody’s crotch. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• President Trump's approval rating has gone up to 45%. At this rate, he is two porn stars away from being re-elected. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

A Touch Of Humor

• Wildlife experts are reportedly puzzled as to why a pair of bald eagles at the National Arboretum, named Mr. President and The First Lady, have not yet laid an egg this spring. Though they haven't really been getting along since Mr. President had that affair with Storky Daniels. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.” 
― Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

• The queen of England is planning a huge concert for her 92nd birthday. The queen made the decision right after finding out Pitbull is available. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Today, President Trump had a meeting with Bill Gates. At one point, both looked at each other and went, “Wow, what a terrible haircut.” - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

• This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

According to the statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds.. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him.

Morey Amsterdam

A Touch Of Humor

“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a sixth "Terminator" film, which will begin production this fall. In this one, Arnold goes back in time to stop them from making the fifth "Terminator" film. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real. - Conan O'Brien