A Touch Of Humor

“I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It's all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• This week American Airlines released a new set of guidelines stating which emotional support animals can be taken on planes. American says they will not allow ferrets, goats, hedgehogs, insects, snakes, rodents, sugar gliders, non-household birds, or animals with tusks, horns, and hooves. This is actually good news for me, because I can still take on my pet alligator. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
― Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
- Richard Bach (Bestselling Author)

A Touch Of Humor

• The U.S. Postal Service announced on Monday that it will soon issue its first scratch-and-sniff stamps. Finally, a stamp that smells like a real bald eagle. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• 7-Eleven has announced they are going to be offering healthier options for their customers. The CEO said, "We want our customers to live to be as old as one of our hot dogs." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Last night, a Picasso painting of a naked girl was sold at an auction for $115 million. So, congrats to the middle school boys who all pooled their lunch money together to buy it. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“Be yourself. No one can say you're doing it wrong.”

― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

A New Jersey farm has come out with a ham-flavored ice cream. So, if you like ham, and you like ice cream, you're still going to hate this. 

- Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• [Amazon's new portable robot] I mean, did we need this? Is this something we asked for? Did anybody really ask for this? A robot that follows you around all day? Nobody was saying, "You know, I like my Alexa, I just wish it would follow me into the bathroom and stare at me while I shower." - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W.C. Fields

A Touch Of Humor

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

"It is always the person not in the predicament who knows what ought to have been done and would unquestionably have done it too."

Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

A Touch Of Humor

• A group of House Republicans has nominated President Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize. As evidence, they pointed out that Trump has managed to avoid an all-out war with North Korea and Melania.  - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• A new study found that one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. Which might explain why your Roomba won't come out from under the couch. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them.- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Amazon has introduced a new service which allows a delivery person to open the trunk of your automobile by tapping on a smartphone screen so that they can deliver packages to your parked car. That's if you've got Amazon Prime. If you're just a regular customer, you have to open your sunroof and a drone drops it in from 10,000 feet. - James Corden