A Touch Of Humor

• Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

"When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ” 

― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

• First lady Melania Trump made a surprise trip to the U.S.-Mexico border today and visited a facility holding migrant children. "I can't imagine what terrible things you've been through," said one of the kids to Melania. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• Today, first lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. And this isn't good — she brought her passport and everything she owns. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• According to a new report, legal marijuana sales in Colorado have seen a plateau in growth. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can't remember why they went in. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• This year, Americans spent around $15 billion on Father's Day. When dads thanked their kids for the gifts, the kids were like, "No problem, I ordered them using your Amazon account.” - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• Today it was announced the U.S. will host the 2026 World Cup with Mexico. Players can either travel from the U.S. to Mexico by plane or just walk past the wall that still won't be built. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• George H.W. Bush turned 94 today, and he is now the oldest living president ever. Bush toasted himself saying, "Suck it, Thomas Jefferson." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. This is good news for every single show except "Dog the Bounty Hunter." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Everyone appreciates your honesty until you're honest with them. Then you're an ass****

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

• Just months after President Trump promised to send astronauts back to the moon, NASA has stopped working on its moon rover project. Now when they head to the moon, the astronauts' plan is to just have a friend pick them up when they land. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• A man who was bitten by a shark, a bear, and a rattlesnake in less than four years and survived. The man thanked God he's still alive, while God said, "What do I have to do to nail this guy? I mean, come on." - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

• President Trump tweeted that he may pardon someone because Sylvester Stallone asked him to. The pardon is for the guy who wrote "Rocky V." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• A plane in Holland was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger’s body odor was so bad that it caused others to vomit and faint. You know it’s bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• Police in Germany recently spent 9 hours using a crane to lift an escaped water buffalo from a highway. Said the water buffalo, “I GET it, I’m FAT.” - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

"Everyone brings joy to this office ...
Some when they enter.
Some when they leave.

Author Unknown