A Touch Of Humor

A judge today sentenced Bill Cosby to three to 10 years in a state prison for sexual assault. Man, what happened to all our beloved sitcom idols from the '80s? Cosby's in jail. Roseanne went racist. I hope Ted Danson isn't here tonight to confess to a string of murders. 

- Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

There are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the U.N. It's that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the king of Norway. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

In his [United Nations] address, Trump discussed the greatest threats to the peace and stability of the world. So, like most of his speeches, it was all about himself. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

A second woman has come forward to accuse Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct. For those of you keeping track, 13 more and Kavanaugh can run for president. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Our government continues to exist, because this week the Senate passed a spending bill that would keep the government open until December. But no one is sure if Trump will sign it, especially since he tweeted, "I want to know where is the money for border security and the wall in this ridiculous spending bill, and where will it come from after the midterms?" I am going to guess: not from Mexico? -  Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor - Rita Mae Brown

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”

- Rita Mae Brown

A Touch Of Humor

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

A small town in Missouri recently launched a newspaper called The Examiner. The mayor is upset about this and to understand why, you need to know that the town is called — I promise this is real — Uranus. So the newspaper that they launched is The Uranus Examiner. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• The owner of the famous Bunny Ranch brothel won the primary for the Nevada state legislature. He won on his strong record of hiring women. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

• SpaceX founder Elon Musk smoked pot on a podcast. You can tell he really liked it because now he's building a rocket that goes from Taco Bell to White Castle. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Touch Of Humor

• A man in Florida has been arrested for stealing over $5 million from his job at a local credit union to produce movies. He apparently got caught after the release of his new documentary, "How I Stole $5 Million From My Local Credit Union." - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

• It was announced today the most common vegetable that toddlers eat is French fries. Or as my brain processed this story: A study has confirmed that French fries are a vegetable. I ate two plates of vegetables today and some more vegetables tonight. I'm joking. You cannot just eat French fries. You have got to eat other vegetables. You know — onion rings, loaded potato skins, carrot cake. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• Colin Kaepernick, the quarterback who started the NFL kneeling protests, has been named the face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. I've already seen it. Here's the thing — some people are so angry about this they're actually burning their Nike shoes. Yeah. Burning your own shoes as a response to something. If only there was a word for that kind of action — oh yeah, "Protesting." - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• White House Chief of Staff John Kelly released a statement last night denying that he called President Trump an idiot, saying, quote, "The idea that I ever called the president an idiot is not true. In fact, it's exactly the opposite." And it is the opposite. He called an idiot the president. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• Today, confirmation hearings continued for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. At one point, a protester screamed, "Sham president, sham justice!" Then security escorted Ruth Bader Ginsburg out of the room. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick is the new face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. And President Trump was so upset that he told his staff to throw away all of his Nike workout gear. Then they said, "Sir, you don't have ANY workout gear." He said, "Look, just buy it and throw it away." - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• According to a new report, Amazon is working on a robot that follows its owner around the house. It's basically an Alexa on wheels. This is going to be a hot item. Here's how you get one: You leave your Alexa and your Roomba alone in a bedroom and let nature take its course. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

• According to a new study, roughly 20 percent of millennial parents have changed or seriously considered changing their baby's name based on what internet domain names were available at the time. "Don't make the same mistake my parents made," said Pornhub Collins. - Seth Meyers