A Touch Of Humor

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

IHOP is now making their own beer. It's perfect for people who think Waffle House beer is just a little too trashy.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble. Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Humor

I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor." Which will be great until they all politely vote themselves off.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt. 

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. Eddie Murphy

A Touch Of Humor

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Lego just revealed that they've made too many bricks over the years and have unsold stockpiles in warehouses. So, I think President Trump just found a solution for his border wall. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

A Touch Of Humor

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

• YouTube is planning a "Karate Kid" series that follows the characters 34 years later. The show is entitled "Ralph Macchio's Mortgage Is Due." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? Dave Chappelle

A Touch Of Humor

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. 

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.

 Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. 

Zach Galifianakis

A Touch Of Humor

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need a tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole. 

Ellen DeGeneres