A Touch Of Humor

“Clothes don’t make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone.

It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." --Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Just because you draw big crowds doesn't mean you're winning the election. If all you needed to win was a big crowd of people, our next president would be Ikea on a Saturday. -Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. ” 
― Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Alan Dundes

A Touch Of Humor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip

A Touch Of Humor

STEPHEN COLBERT, discussing the proposed border wall -- “Speaker Pelosi rejected the deal before the president even announced it. She said no before Trump even asked — a move known in Washington as ‘the Melania.’”

New York Times

A Touch Of Humor

“According to the White House press pool, President Trump spent approximately two minutes at the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial today before returning to the White House. And it’s not a good look when you give Martin Luther King the same amount of time you gave Stormy Daniels.” — SETH MEYERS

New York Times

A Touch Of Humor

"I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet.

But you're still the King."

-John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip flight attendants: “Frontier flight attendants say the most valuable tip they’ve received so far is to go and work for another airline.” — JAMES CORDEN

A Touch Of Humor

“This is true, Frontier Airlines wants you to tip [flight attendants]. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines wants you to kick in for gas money.” — JAMES CORDEN

A Touch Of Humor

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip their flight attendants: “How do you tip a flight attendant? What are you supposed to be like? ‘Brett, these peanuts are to die for. And the way you poured a can of ginger ale into this flimsy plastic cup — mwah!’” — JAMES CORDEN

A Touch Of Humor

“France’s first nude restaurant is closing Feb. 16 — which means my Valentine’s Day reservation is still good to go! Yeah, you know, nothing quite says ‘love’ like spilling hot clam chowder on my genitals.” — TREVOR NOAH

A Touch Of Humor

RE: The Government Shutdown “Today, federal workers protested the shutdown outside the White House. It didn’t help when Trump rolled down a window and was like, ‘Don’t you have jobs to go to?’” — Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." --Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it." —Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"I remember him now... the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God." - John Oliver on Anthony Weiner

A Touch Of Humor

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
― Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Humor

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.” 
― Charlie Brown (A “Peanuts” Character)

A Touch Of Humor

All generalities are false including this one.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“How is it possible to have a civil war?” 
― George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?” 
― Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts

A Touch Of Humor

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” 
― Benjamin Franklin