A Touch Of Humor

"The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz." --Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Bernie Sanders running for President and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez becoming his running mate] “Wow, what a dream ticket that would be, the 77-year-old Jew and a 29-year-old former bartender. For Socialists, that’s a dream ticket. In LA, that’s a third marriage.“

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Bernie Sanders becoming the oldest presidential candidate] “Poor Bernie, can you imagine what the presidency would do to him? It aged Obama so much and he was in his prime. Bernie’s gonna come out looking like Gollum.”

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: President Trump declaring a National Emergency to fund his border wall] “I appreciate you putting on a brave face. You’ve made it through a whole week of the National Emergency. Because of the invasion coming up from Mexico, we have to do our part on the homefront. If you see salsa, say something.”

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

My mother never breast fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Dennis Wholey

A Touch Of Humor

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.!

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not a good looking guy. On Halloween I open the front door - kids give me candy.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

In answer to the president’s claim of having a new border wall under construction, Jimmy Kimmel asks, "How do you finish a wall you haven't started?" He’s skipped from ‘build the wall’ to ‘finish the wall’. That’s how Orwellian this has become."

“We are one delusional rally away from: ‘Now that we’ve finished the wall, let’s paint the wall!’”

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah pointed out that even though no new border wall has been built, President Trump now wants taller fencing. In other words: “He’s solved the problem of smugglers who are determined to sneak drugs into America but are too lazy to buy a somewhat taller ladder.”

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Donald Trump's tax returns] “We’re finally going to find out what’s in them!”  Stephen Colbert said. “Did Putin claim Trump as a dependent? Did Trump check the box where you donate $3 to a Russian oligarch? Did he list his status as ‘married’ or ‘Yeah, but I’m not dead’?”

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: President Trump's claim of congressional "presidential harassment."] “You laugh but it’s true, folks,” Trevor Noah said on the Daily Show. “Presidential harassment is a serious crisis that affects one out of every 320 million people in this country.”

A Touch Of Humor

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." -- Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

[Former Starbucks CEO] Howard Schultz’s potential run as a “centrist independent” is “making the Democrats shit themselves, which usually only happens after you drink his coffee” - Trevor Noah

A Touch Of Humor

Senator Kamala Harris said this week that as part of her presidential platform she would advocate for a single-payer health care system. It would replace our current system of taking Flintstones vitamins and hoping for the best.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“A new study suggests that a parasite found in cat pee can be linked to schizophrenia. Finally, a reason to stop drinking cat pee!” — SETH MEYERS

A Touch Of Humor

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers