A Touch Of Humor

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas

A Touch Of Humor

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

– George Burns

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

A Touch Of Humor

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way I'd visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

A Touch Of Humor

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring ... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
― Calvin and Hobbes.

A Touch Of Humor

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possible flipping a coin.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Than I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips.

A Touch Of Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time ... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

A Touch Of Humor

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

God created man, but I could do better.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

Y'know you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright