A Touch Of Humor

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'”– Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”– Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Humor

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”– Jane Wagner

A Touch Of Humor

“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

A Touch Of Humor

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

– Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again - Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

A Touch Of Humor

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”– Jackie Mason

A Touch Of Humor

“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.” 

- Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

Doctors say its okay to have sex after a heart attacked provided you close the ambulance door.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, nobody was nice. I was 6-years-old [when] I found out there is no such thing as Alpo baby food.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison

A Touch Of Humor

“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”– Dilbert (Comic Strip)

A Touch Of Humor

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”– Zig Ziglar

A Touch Of Humor

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

– Homer Simpson