A Touch Of Humor

Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Santa Claus.

Bart Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

It wasn't that long ago when a kid in America broke his leg, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun stuck a thermometer in his ass, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle, and you were done. The bill was $1.50; plus, you got to keep the thermometer. 

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

“Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

A Touch Of Humor

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

A Touch Of Humor

“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.” 

- Charlie Brown (“Peanuts”) 

A Touch Of Humor

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
— George Bernard Shaw, playwright (to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill)

"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
— Churchill's response” 
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) (Renowned British Playwright)

A Touch Of Humor

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' 

Anonymous 

A Touch Of Humor

“What's another word for thesaurus?” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel!

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions? —M.J.B. in Oakland, Calif.
Dear M.J.B.: Yes. Run for a public office.

A Touch Of Humor

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”– Sam Ewing

A Touch Of Humor

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

“The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams, is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

A Touch Of Humor

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

“Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it....” 
― George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends. If they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

A Touch Of Humor

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”– Conan O’Brien

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So, I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster."

Emo Philips

A Touch Of Humor

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand

A Touch Of Humor

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

“The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)