A Touch Of Humor

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time ... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.” 
- George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” – Socrates (Circa 400 BC)

A Touch Of Humor

"Facts are stupid things."

—Ronald Reagan, at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, "Facts are stubborn things"

A Touch Of Humor

“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.” – Michael Shermer

A Touch Of Humor

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White (97-years-old)

A Touch Of Humor

Humor published on my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page:

Universal Laws

1) Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

2) Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

3) Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

A Touch Of Humor

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn

A Touch Of Humor

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx

A Touch Of Humor

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

David Letterman

A Touch Of Humor

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

– Al McGuire

A Touch Of Humor

"In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards."  - Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

4 Stages Of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus

3) You are Santa Claus

4) You look like Santa Claus

Author Unknown

Shutterstock.com

A Touch Of Humor

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Reader: This Is From A Real Taco Company Ad

“Every taco is hand-rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan virgins.

Or, Carlos, depending on who's available.”

A Touch Of Humor

"Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

NASA's Mars Lander found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Right now it's searching for tequila.

David Letterman

A Touch Of Humor

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing

A Touch Of Humor

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln