A Touch Of Humor

The Lord gave us two ends - one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Ann Landers

A Touch Of Humor

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

CZWIXNOSTACZ

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Author Unknown, From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

A Touch Of Humor

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

I don't think I should be allowed on the Internet. The other day I was watching Netflix and that sign came up. You know the one that says your credit card is about to expire. So now I have to figure out how to tell my neighbor her credit card is about to expire.

Karen Rontowski

A Touch Of Humor

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

—Dan Quayle, former U.S Vice President

A Touch Of Humor

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

"The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass."  -- Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Author Unknown. Shared by my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook Page

A Touch Of Humor

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

A Touch Of Humor

"And then I was in Reno, Nevada. Very exciting when I was in Reno! The police went on the news, they were looking for a woman who had stolen a baby out of the hospital. And they described her as being over 400 pounds and wearing hot pink stretch pants. And immediately my heart went out to the pants."

Karen Rontowski

A Touch Of Humor

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England."

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

Conan O’Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.”
― Larry David

A Touch Of Humor

“Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert comic strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

A Touch Of Humor

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn

A Touch Of Humor

State lawmakers in Kentucky have proposed a bill that would require schools to start teaching Sex Ed in kindergarten. Said a Kentucky first grader, “Oh man that really would have been helpful before my wedding night.“

Seth Meyers