A Touch Of Humor

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charlie Brown ("Peanuts" comic strip)

A Touch Of Humor

You can always tell when [someone's] well informed. [Their] views are pretty much like your own.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

A Touch Of Humor

“Why do things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?” 
― Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

[Differences between men and women] Ladies, if you're married you know you've tried to throw your husband's underwear away and you know they were in the trash can. And the next thing you know, they're back in their drawers. See it doesn't matter to us how many holes are in it as long as the elastic at the top still works. If it snaps back, doggone it, it's a pair.

Steve Geyer

A Touch Of Humor

All criminals are not that smart. I heard about this guy in L.A., got in a car accident, hit a cop car, and then fled on foot and got hit by a train.

I know, I thought, Dude, how bad are your observation skills? You know? Even Stevie Wonder would have missed the train!

And then I thought the funniest thing was, you know, after he hit the cop car, he had to be thinking to himself, "Man, that's the worst thing that could have happened to me today." Pow! "I stand corrected."

Karen Rontowski

A Touch Of Humor

Having some states lock down and some states not lock down is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

m.imgur.com (Courtesy of my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook Page)

A Touch Of Humor

Tammy is dieting now. That means I’m dieting. That’s the rules. You honor your wife. She wants to diet, I’m dieting. She’s on keto now. We’ve tried pelio, we tried Atkins, now we’re on keto. She wants to get into ketosis. That’s fine with me. I got cookies at my office in the basement.

Jeff Allen

A Touch Of Humor

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, ' Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

You guys can tell I got the Wisconsin accent, don’t ya? I know. It’s not a romantic way to talk. It’s very nasally. I use it for birth control.

Rob Brackenridge
Note: These quotes are exact, but I changed the order slightly.

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Reader: I'm 75-years-of-age, and I would like to share some old age humor from my friend Ben Haney:

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy [lady] catches your fancy and your pace-maker opens the garage door.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

A Touch Of Humor

So many people these days are too judgmental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational
things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the
principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

A Touch Of Humor

Remember when you used to wish the weekends would last forever … How do you like it now!

Author Unknown - Humor courtesy of my brother-in-law Ed Houston.

A Touch Of Humor

[To keep the peace in his marriage] "I'm never going to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner. Whenever I do [it] ruins the night. We just get into a fight. So men, I started doing this. When I get home, I find my wife. I go up to her and I excitedly say, 'Hey, guess where I'm taking you for dinner tonight!' And whatever she says, that's where we go.

Ricky Glore

A Touch Of Humor

[On being a bad student] One time when I was a little kid I got an F on my report card, and I changed it before I got home. I was stupid and I got caught. I should have changed it to a B but changed it to an F-plus. I was trying to pull my average up a little bit.

Dennis Regan

A Touch Of Humor

[After 32-years of marriage] We try [to be romantic]! We just know how much time and energy it actually takes and we prefer to watch Law & Order.

Jeff Allen

A Touch Of Humor

"It’s so simple to be wise… just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it."

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

On my wedding day, my father said to me, "Before you argue with your new wife ... take some time, step back and ask yourself 2-questions: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." Then he broke down and sobbed right in front of me. I had no idea what that man was talking about. 32-years later I can tell you this - I'm a happy, happy, happy man. [And] I haven't been right in 12-years now.

Jeff Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

[Applying for a mortgage to buy a house] It's a lot of work. They ask you so many questions, like - "Oh hey did you happen to apply for a Visa Card in 1999 at 7-Eleven so you could get half-off on a salted nut roll?" You can't lie, it's a federal offense. So you have to be like - I remember getting a good deal on a salted nut roll one time. [Pause] And then you don't get the house. That's how it works.

Mary Mack

A Touch Of Humor

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright