A Touch Of Humor

From Tom Brown's Facebook page

A Touch Of Humor

My dentist too, another beauty. My dentist! He found a new way to hide his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever -- thy will be done.“

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. ”
― H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

A Touch Of Humor

“Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking what a fire hydrant feels about dogs.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

A Touch Of Humor

One of the masky come lately’s is Alabama Governor Kay Ivey. Governor Ivey has been holding out on masks but Alabama just hit their single day death record. Yesterday, Ivey issued a statewide mask order. And to make it more palatable to Alabama voters, the masks will be deep-fried.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Do you remember Trump’s border wall? For those of you who have always thought, it’s great but I wish there was a stupider version, you’re in luck!

[A group of Trump supporters raised $25 million and built a 3 mile stretch of wall.]

Unfortunately ... according to engineers … it never should have been built so close to the river ... [and] is ... in danger of falling into the Rio Grande ...

This ... wall was the brainchild of private contractor Tommy Fisher who said his wall would be the “Lamborghini” of walls ... And he’s got a point. When it falls down it will be moving much faster than walls usually do.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

We call it a phone, we don’t even use it as a phone. Nobody is talking on the phone. Once they gave you the option, you could talk or you could type, talking on the phone is over! Talking is obsolete, it’s antiquated. I feel like a blacksmith up here [Performing on Stage] sometimes to tell you the truth. I can text you the whole thing and we could get the hell out of here right now!

 Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

[On her husband proposing to her at a rest-stop] Ever since I've been a little girl, I've been like - please God, please let somebody ask me to marry him at a rest-stop. Please, please. And please let it be just after Labor Day so that all the Porta-Potties are overflowing, cause smell is the strongest memory scent.

Mary Mack

A Touch Of Humor

From Dick's friend, Tom Brown

A Touch Of Humor

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my brother Francis, "That'll be us in ten years."

He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you moron."

A Touch Of Humor

Washington’s NFL Team announced today that they will officially retire the team’s name and logo. After completing a review of the name, said the owners, we realize now that the word Washington is offensive to most Americans.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

And we know Trump wants to reopen the schools and this is surprising! He is not wrong to want that because according to experts:

“… during the first round of school closures, American children were set back, on average, by seven months in their reading and math learning…“ [New York Times]

We’re already seven months behind on math. If we fall another seven months behind, there will be no way to know how many months that is.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

The Post Office

They always have an emotional and financial meltdown every 3 1/2 years, that their business model from 1630 isn’t working anymore.

I cannot understand how a 21st-century information system based on licking, walking and a random number of pennies [rate hikes] is struggling to compete.

 Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Conan O’Brien now broadcasting from the Largo Theater in Hollywood and not his home.

I’m doing this in the safest way possible. We have just very few crew-members working around me. Everyone is wearing masks, everyone is socially distanced and everyone has been tested. As an added precaution, it was my idea that all crew-members be sterilized. I was told this was not necessary but I really don’t want them having kids.

A Touch Of Humor

There is a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

Author Unknown

Posted from my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page. (Jon, Would you please post this with the most tempting picture of chocolate you can find. Thank you.)

A Touch Of Humor

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Phillips

A Touch Of Humor

Last week was a rough week for me. I broke up with my psychiatrist too. For the first time I told him I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on I have to pay him in advance.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

All generalizations are false, including this one. - Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.”
― Russell Brand

A Touch Of Humor

On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

A Touch Of Humor

The other day I was sure the aliens had implanted a tracking device in me. But it just turned out to be a lose Frito in my underwear. Now I have to figure out why the aliens are putting Frito's in my underwear.

Karen Rontowski

A Touch Of Humor

Humor from my friend Tom Brown:

As part of my annual physical, I had my hearing tested today, and it reminded me of the old fellow who was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just received. “It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly.”

“Really?” said the neighbor, “what kind is it?”

“Ten-thirty.”