A Touch Of Humor

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

This is interesting! It’s only August but check out what’s already showing up in stores. “We’re still in summer but Halloween candy displays have arrived even earlier this year.” [CNN] Why do we ever need Halloween this year? Every day we’re walking around in a mask completely terrified.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world ... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Socrates (Renowned Ancient Greek Philosopher)

A Touch Of Humor

Why are your friends so annoying? The people you have chosen to be with in life. It makes no sense. You’d get rid of all of them in a second if it wasn’t a bigger pain in the ass to find new people, learn about their annoying problems that they never do anything about. Change the names and numbers in your phone, delete the old contacts. Ah the hell with it! I’ll ride it out with these idiots.

 Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

A lot of people around my age [65] like to make a Bucket List. I made a Bucket List and I turned the B to an F and I was done with that too.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

This is crazy. We can’t send in mail in ballots? Meanwhile Americans can get drunk, go on Amazon and eight hours later there’s a new pair of sunglasses for their ferret waiting at the front door.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Humor courtesy of my fellow senior citizen, Tom Brown (Author Unknown)

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble crapping?”

“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

A Touch Of Humor

I get no respect here in California either. I’ll tell you that - I got stuck the other day. I told them I wanted to go sightseeing. They took me on a tour of all the extra’s [non-stars] houses.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

Let’s get to some business news as movie theaters across the country attempt to reopen. AMC has come up with a way to bring customers back. Listen to this: “AMC has announced it is re-opening it’s theaters next week and tickets will be just 15 cents on the reopening day.” [News Report] Yep! For 15 cents you can spend two hours in full panic wondering if it was worth it.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A successful politician is someone gifted at telling tall tales and convincing others they’re true.

With Love To All - Dick

A Touch Of Humor

Well guys, here’s some big news! It was announced today that there’s a new vaccine to treat the coronavirus!

Sort of!

Russia now claims to have a coronavirus vaccine, which is great. Because if there’s one thing I know about Russia they never lie about drug tests.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Covid is causing drama in America’s proud naked community because now “… nudist resorts … are ... requiring masks.” [The Wall Street Journal]. I will say, if before all this you had told me nudists would be forced to cover up for public health – the mouth would not be the orifice I assume was the problem.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“There are really only three types of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who say, What happened?”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

A Touch Of Humor

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Emo Phillips

A Touch Of Humor

Humor courtesy of my friend Tom Brown

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."

A Touch Of Humor

I don’t get no respect from anyone. Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, be quiet, you’ll wake up daddy.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

Babies. Why are they here? They are here to replace us! That is their mission. Don’t you see what’s happening? They’re pushing us out! Their first words are mama, daddy and bye-bye.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

“Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing”
― Ricky Gervais