A Touch Of Humor

  “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

 - Adam Gropman

A Touch Of Humor

 “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

 - Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

A Touch Of Humor

 “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

 - George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

 “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

 - Joan Rivers

A Touch Of Humor

  Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”

Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”
- Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!

A Touch Of Humor

  “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

- Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

  “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”

 - Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

 “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

- Jack Handey

A Touch Of Humor

  “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

 - Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

A Touch Of Humor

 “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”

 - President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

A Touch Of Humor

Thank You Notes: Thank you, knowing there was a mosquito in my bedroom for providing me with a fun night of randomly slapping myself.

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

I've been spending a lot of time in L.A. cause I was sick of people appreciating me for what's on the inside.

Mary Mack

A Touch Of Humor

“New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids.” 

- Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

A Touch Of Humor

“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

- H.L. Mencken, On Politics: A Carnival of Buncombe (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Apple is now involved in a pretty interesting lawsuit. Listen to this: [WMTW TV - “Apple is suing a former recycling partner in Canada for allegedly not doing its job. Apple claims the recycling company actually resold more than 100,000 iPhones, iPads and Apple Watches that they were supposed to destroy.”]  Apple was like, hey reselling the same phone over and over is our thing.  

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

The White House and The CDC have been clashing over how to handle cruise lines during the pandemic. [NBC: “The CDC is extending its ban on cruising from US ports thru the end of this month (October). Axios is reporting The CDC’s director wanted to extend the order until February but Vice President Pence overruled him.”] Even the cruise ships know it’s a bad idea. For a 6 day trip they tell you to pack for 9 months.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, nobody was nice! [When] I was six years old I found out there was no such thing as Alpo baby food. I mean nobody was nice! My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.”

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

HLN news report: “Foot Locker is turning thousands of their stores into voter registration sites, just six weeks before the election.“

It’s perfect cause when a fight breaks out, there will be four people dressed like referees to handle it.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!”

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Phillips