A Touch Of Humor

 “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

– Charles Wadsworth

A Touch Of Humor

How is education supposed to make you feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

[Royal Caribbean is relaunching their cruises] Some of the ships’ Covid precautions include sailing at half capacity with mandatory masks at all times, mingling discouraged and no stops. So you’re on a big ship but it doesn’t dock anywhere and you can’t see anyone. Perfect vacation if you’ve been cooped up for the last nine months and thought, ‘I love my apartment but I wish it was smaller and gave me motion sickness.’

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

Jim Davis

A Touch Of Humor

 “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”

– Tom Lehrer

A Touch Of Humor

 “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

– Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

 “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”

– Yogi Berra

A Touch Of Humor

A boat just washed ashore on the Marshall Islands that was loaded with about 1400 pounds of Cocaine. Officials were like, “that probably explains the Manatee we saw swimming 800 miles an hour.“

-Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

 “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

– W. C. Fields

A Touch Of Humor

 “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

– Bill Watterson

A Touch Of Humor

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples' vacations was considered a punishment.”

– Betty White

A Touch Of Humor

 “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”

– Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

 “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

– Alan Dundes

A Touch Of Humor

 “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

– A. A. Milne

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: If the salesman spends an hour telling me how reliable the car is, the manager can’t spend an hour on how I need an extra warranty.

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Emo Philips

A Touch Of Humor

Humor from my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your résumé?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale. 

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

A Touch Of Humor

Home safety company Ring’s latest security camera is a drone that flies around inside your house. Great way for you to leave your house with peace of mind, while you’re destroying the last shreds of your cat’s  sanity. 

Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

Trump still has 45 days in office ... We shouldn’t have this much time between the election and the inauguration. We should treat the White House like it’s America’s Airbnb. You lose the election, check out’s at 11 AM, next morning ... Leave the keys under the mat. New president checks in at 3(PM).

Jimmy Kimmel 

A Touch Of Humor

CVS Pharmacy announced today that it plans to hire 15,000 additional pharmacy technicians to help dispense medication and coronavirus tests. And this is nice, a second cashier.

Seth Meyer

A Touch Of Humor

A new report has found that platypus fur glows green under UV light. Now, I know what you’re saying: ‘You’re saying, Stephen why are these people shining UV lights on platypuses?’ Well, one of the researchers explained, ‘It was a mix of serendipity and curiosity…’ 

Buddy that’s a lot of $10 words just to say me and Dale got high in the lab.

Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

The national weather service last night issued a rare tornado warning for Manhattan and the Bronx. Though in the case of the Bronx, the warning was for the tornado.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Neighbors of the Georgia woman who turned her porch into a restaurant for chipmunks must conduct a wellness check. Hey, we all get lonely during a pandemic, but turning your porch into an Applebee’s for rodents? All I know is get there early in the day cause dinner is nuts. 

Bill Maher