A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"There's no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance."

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, 2007

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions:

"The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty - a fad."

The president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford's lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903

A Touch Of Humor

Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with.

They'll never tell anyone because they aren't even listening.

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Nestlé is recalling more than 762,000 pounds of Pepperoni Hot Pockets over concerns that they may have pieces of glass or plastic inside of them. Right now customers are [deciding between] Pepperoni Hot Pockets filled with glass and plastic or Spinach Artichoke Lean Pockets [saying to themselves] ‘I mean, how much glass and plastic could it be?’ 

This pretty much sums up the crazy times. You survive Covid but then you’re killed by Hot Pockets.  

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

Mercedes-Benz announced that it will introduce an electric sedan with a mammoth, pillar to pillar, 56 inch touchscreen which Mercedes calls the ‘Hyper Screen.’ Because the term Collision Generator 9000 was already taken.

Stephen Colbert

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  “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”

—Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

A Touch Of Humor

 

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A Touch Of Humor

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I tell you when I was a kid I got no respect, no respect at all. The time I was lost on a beach, a cop helped me look for my parents. I said to the cop, do you think we will find them? He said, I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.

 - Mr. Burns

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Some sports news. The NFL regular season is over and for the first time since 2002, the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs ... When they heard that they made the playoffs, the Browns were like, ‘There’s more games after the season? They do that every year?’

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

The Senate will actually be split 50-50 with Vice President-elect Kamala Harris holding the tiebreaker that determines control. So essentially Harris is still going to be a Senator, pretty on-brand for America to elect their first woman Vice President and make her do her old job too. Only pay her for one of them.

 Stephen Colbert  

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 “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

– Phyllis Diller

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 “Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”

– Ozzy Osbourne

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 “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

– Norm Crosby

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Last week I saw my dentist. Another beauty, my dentist. I said to him can you put in a new tooth to match my other teeth? He put in a tooth with four cavities.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

In the fantasy mind of the golfing father, when he comes home, the family will come running out to hear the exciting stories of his golfing adventures. In reality, no one is even aware that he has left or returned. From 8 1/2 hours of idiotic hacking through sand and weeds while driving drunk in a clown car through a fake park.

Jerry Seinfeld

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 “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”

– Conan O’Brien