A Touch of Humor

  "When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine."

-Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

  "We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

-Chris Rock

A Touch of Humor

  "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

-Ellen Degeneres.

A Touch of Humor

 "If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.'"

-Demetri Martin

A Touch of Humor

 "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

-George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

  "We need a little less forever 21 and a little more suddenly 42."

-Amy Poehler

A Touch of Humor

  "Comedy is acting out optimism."

-Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

  "They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball?"

-Brian Regan

A Touch of Humor

  "My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students.'"

-Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

  "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

-Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 “My father would womanize. He would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.” 

—Mike Myers as Dr. Evil in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

A Touch of Humor

  "According to the map, we've only gone 4 inches."

 —Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

A Touch of Humor

 "Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing. ... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness." 

—Jim Carrey as the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

A Touch of Humor

 "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." 

—Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

A Touch of Humor

  "'Greater good?' I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you're ever gonna get!"

 —Kimberly Adair Clark as Honey Best in The Incredibles (2004)

A Touch of Humor

 There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

 George Carlin

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A Touch of Humor

 Only the mediocre are always at their best. 

Jean Giraudoux

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A Touch of Humor

 As Mike Tyson says, everybody has a plan until they get hit in the mouth. The one thing we know about American presidential politics is you're going to get hit in the mouth. 

James Carville

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A Touch of Humor

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 

Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

 What's another word for Thesaurus? 

Steven Wright

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A Touch of Humor

 “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

A Touch of Humor

  “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

—Jarod Kintz

A Touch of Humor

  “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

A Touch of Humor

  “Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.”

A Touch of Humor

  "What's a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful."

A Touch of Humor

  “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.”

 — Emo Philips

A Touch of Humor

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” 

— A. A. Milne, "Winnie The Pooh"

A Touch of Humor

  “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

 — Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” 

— Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

 — Jarod Kintz

A Touch of Humor

  “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”

 — Jules Renard

A Touch of Humor

 “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” 

— Dave Barry

A Touch of Humor

  "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" 

— Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." 

— Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon." 

— Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 Dr. Evil got shortchanged in the first one. The family dynamic between Scott and Dr. Evil - the adventures of being an evil single parent - needed to be explored. 

Mike Myers

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A Touch of Humor

 Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

Jim Carrey

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A Touch of Humor

 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. 

Fran Lebowitz

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A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

 'Crazy' is a term of art; 'Insane' is a term of law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble. 

Hunter S. Thompson

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A Touch of Humor

 I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. 

-David Letterman

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A Touch of Humor

 There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

- Chris Rock

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A Touch of Humor

 I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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A Touch of Humor

 I saw a stationery store move. 

-Jay London

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A Touch of Humor

 No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. 

-Abraham Lincoln

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A Touch of Humor

 I've had great success being a total idiot. ”

― Jerry Lewis

A Touch of Humor

 I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

Ron White

A Touch of Humor

 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 “Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”

― Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes

A Touch of Humor

 A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Franklin Jones

A Touch of Humor

This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force 

- Dorothy Parker.

A Touch of Humor

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid 

- Heinrich Heine

A Touch of Humor

 When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

 - David Letterman.

A Touch of Humor

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.

– Rita Mae Brown

A touch of Humor

 If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough 

- Mario Andretti.

A Touch of Humor

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby

 - Natalie Wood.

A Touch of Humor

 We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience 

- George Bernard Shaw

A Touch of Humor

 “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”

 – Albert Einstein.

A Touch of Humor

 The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school 

- George Bernard Shaw.

A Touch of Humor

 My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way

 – Henny Youngman.

A Touch of Humor

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.

Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

 Bill Murray

A Touch of Humor

 If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

 Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.

Michael Douglas, Wall Street

A Touch of Humor

  “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

A Touch of Humor

  “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

—Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

—Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

  “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

—David Letterman

A Touch of Humor

 There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- Steven Wright

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A Touch of Humor

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. 

Steven Wright

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A Touch of Humor

 You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

 Bob Hope

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A Touch of Humor

 I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. 

W. C. Fields

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A Touch of Humor

 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

Andy Rooney

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A Touch of Humor

 Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

 Fran Lebowitz

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A Touch of Humor

 “have i gone mad?

I'm afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

A Touch of Humor

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 “I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

― Mae West

A Touch of Humor

 “Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”

― Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

 “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

 “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”   

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”   

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

A Touch of Humor

 Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning, “You know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?” 

The other guard sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”

A Touch of Humor

 Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”

 “And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

A Touch of Humor

 “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” 

— Edgar Bergen

A Touch of Humor

 “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

 —Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”

The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”

A Touch of Humor

 I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

—Adam Joshua Smargon

A Touch of Humor

 Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.

“What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”

“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”

—Jim Whitehead, The Daily Herald

A Touch of Humor

 A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“O, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

—Maria Salmon

A Touch of Humor

 My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. 

Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

 I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. 

Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. 

Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

  "Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

A Touch of Humor

 My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

A Touch of Humor

 The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

Wait, where are we again?

A Touch of Humor

  What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

A Touch of Humor

  You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

A Touch of Humor

 I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

A Touch of Humor

 You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

A Touch of Humor

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

A Touch of Humor

 Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?

– They’ve got two left feet!

A Touch of Humor

 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

 What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?

A stick.

A Touch of Humor

  “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”

—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

A Touch of Humor

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

A Touch of Humor

 “My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”

—Maria Bamford

A Touch of Humor

  “Trying is the first step toward failure.”

—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

A Touch of Humor

 Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. 

Oscar Levant

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A Touch of Humor

 If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

 Johnny Carson

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A Touch of Humor

 Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

 Mark Twain

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A Touch of Humor

 One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

A Touch of Humor

 “You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”

― Bill Watterson

A Touch of Humor

 “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

― Robert Benchley

A Touch of Humor

 “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

― Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

A Touch of Humor

 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.”

― Charles Schultz

A Touch of Humor

 “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

― Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

 “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

A Touch of Humor

 “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

― Mae West

A Touch of Humor

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

A Touch of Humor

 It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

Bill Hicks

A Touch of Humor

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

A Touch of Humor

 If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Sam Levenson

A Touch of Humor

 If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

A Touch of Humor

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch of Humor

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

A Touch of Humor

 A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Charlie Chaplin

A Touch of Humor

 The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Sid Caesar

A Touch of Humor

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

A Touch of Humor

 The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Jon Stewart

A Touch of Humor

 Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

Margaret Culkin Banning

A Touch of Humor

 My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. 

Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. 

Sigmund Freud

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A Touch of Humor

 My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. 

Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

 I think everybody's nuts.

 Johnny Depp

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A Touch of Humor

 I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. 

Jerry Seinfeld

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A Touch of Humor

 Don't ever forget two things I'm going to tell you. One, don't believe everything that's written about you. Two, don't pick up too many checks.

 Babe Ruth

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A Touch of Humor

  “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”

—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

A Touch of Humor

 “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

—Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

 “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

—Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

  “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”

—Betty White

A Touch of Humor

 “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace

A Touch of Humor

  Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”

Fred: “Your feet?”

—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy

A Touch of Humor

  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

A Touch of Humor

  “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

A Touch of Humor

  “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

  “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

—Erma Bombeck

A Touch of Humor

 “When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”

― Stephen King, Storm of the Century

A Touch of Humor

 “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

― Jerome K. Jerome

A Touch of Humor

 “Never memorize something that you can look up.”

― Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”

― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

A Touch of Humor

 “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

― Robert A. Heinlein

A Touch of Humor

 I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. 

- Fran Lebowitz

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A Touch of Humor

 Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. 

- Jay Leno

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A Touch of Humor

 I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

 Jerry Seinfeld

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A Touch of Humor

 I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. 

Steven Wright

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A Touch of Humor

 I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

 Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

A Touch of Humor

 As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett 

A Touch of Humor

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Tom Lehrer

A Touch of Humor

 Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' 

-Charles M. Schulz

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A Touch of Humor

 When I'm not longer rapping, I want to open up an ice cream parlor and call myself Scoop Dogg. 

- Snoop Dogg

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A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 

- Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

  “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

—Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”

—Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

 A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

Marty Allen

A Touch of Humor

 Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.

Mark Withers

A Touch of Humor

 By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost

A Touch of Humor

 A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday

A Touch of Humor

 I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Touch of Humor

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Gertrude Stein

A Touch of Humor

 The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Bill Waterson

A Touch of Humor

 Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

Emo Philips

A Touch of Humor

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Don Marquis

A Touch of Humor

 When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. 

Albert Einstein

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A Touch of Humor

 I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

 Richard Lewis

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A Touch of Humor

Only the mediocre are always at their best. 

Jean Giraudoux

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A Touch of Humor

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. 

George Carlin

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A Touch of Humor

 Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' 

Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

 "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!"

THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, Warner Bros., 1948

A Touch of Humor

 "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

- Peter Graves, Airplane! (1980)

A Touch of Humor

  "You can't fool me! There ain't no sanity clause!"

- Chico Marx, A Night at the Opera (1935)

A Touch of Humor

 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 George Carlin

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A Touch of Humor

 An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

 Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Sam Levenson

A Touch of Humor

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns

A Touch of Humor

 A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

A Touch of Humor

 The road to success is always under construction.

Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

A Touch of Humor

 I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention. I mean, how is it possible? 

Antz

A Touch of Humor

 You can observe a lot by watching. 

Yogi Berra

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A Touch of Humor

 Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!

 Jim Carrey

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A Touch of Humor

 Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! 

Steve Martin

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A Touch of Humor

 A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. 

Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." 

—Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 ."The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."

—Shirley MacLaine

A Touch of Humor

  "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde."

—Dolly Parton

A Touch of Humor

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 - "He did a great job on that suit. You don't realize how good you look. Do you like it?"

- "It's not K-Mart."

- "How could you not like that suit? You look fantastic, Ray? How can you not like that suit?"

- "It's not a K-Mart suit."

- "Let me let you in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks. OK?"

- "Yeah."

Rain Man (1988)

A Touch Of Humor

 “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

—Joan Rivers

A Touch Of Humor

 “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'”

—Yogi Berra

A Touch Of Humor

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” 

—Rita Mae Brown

A Touch Of Humor

. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” 

—Aldo Cammarota

A Touch Of Humor

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”

 —Socrates

A Touch Of Humor

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

A Touch Of Humor

 "So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama! Hey! How about a little somethin', you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

Caddyshack (1980)

A Touch of Humor

 "Yup. I said it before and I'll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

A Touch Of Humor

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

—Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 - "Can you fly this plane and land it?"

- "Surely you can't be serious."

- "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."

Airplane! (1980)

A Touch of Humor

 I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’

 Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ 

Zach Galifianakis

A Touch of Humor

 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. 

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

 -Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. 

Bill Murray

A Touch of Humor

 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

 Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Author unknown

A Touch of Humor

 Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”

Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”

—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

A Touch of Humor

  “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”

—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

A Touch of Humor

  “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”

—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

A Touch of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

A Touch of Humor

  “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

A Touch of Humor

  “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring:

 ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

—Steven Wright

A Touch of Wisdom

 I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

 Lenny Bruce

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A Touch of Humor

 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. 

Fran Lebowitz

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A Touch of Humor

 I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

 Jerry Seinfeld

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A Touch of Humor

 Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

Larry David

A Touch Of Humor

And if you are in an area that is getting slammed by snow, just remember, there are kids in Miami who never get any snow. So do a good deed and mail some of it to them.

Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

 I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 

Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

 Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

 George Carlin

https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

 Prime mates.

https://www.skiptomylou.org/funny-jokes/

A Touch of Humor

 Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.

 It’s not stroganoff.

https://www.skiptomylou.org/funny-jokes/

A Touch of Humor

 What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?

 “Put it on my bill.”

https://www.skiptomylou.org/funny-jokes/

A Touch of Humor

 I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 

Fred Allen

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A Touch of Humor

My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'. 

Jim Carrey

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A Touch of Humor

 But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan

A Touch of Humor

 All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Charles Schulz

A Touch of Humor

 A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

A Touch of Humor

 Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

A Touch Of Humor

 My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Caroline Rhea

A Touch Of Humor

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

A Touch Of Humor

 The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

A Touch Of Humor

 I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul R. Ehrlich

A Touch of Humor

 Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

 We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

 As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Norm Crosby

A Touch Of Humor

 It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu