Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.
“What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”
“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”
—Jim Whitehead, The Daily Herald
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“O, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
—Maria Salmon
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotesI bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
George Carlin
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
“I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”
—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal
“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”
—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night
“My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”
—Maria Bamford
