A Touch of Humor

  “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

A Touch of Humor

  “Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.”

A Touch of Humor

  "What's a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful."

A Touch of Humor

  “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.”

 — Emo Philips

A Touch of Humor

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” 

— A. A. Milne, "Winnie The Pooh"

A Touch of Humor

  “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

 — Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” 

— Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

 — Jarod Kintz

A Touch of Humor

  “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”

 — Jules Renard

A Touch of Humor

 “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” 

— Dave Barry

A Touch of Humor

  "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" 

— Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." 

— Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon." 

— Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 Dr. Evil got shortchanged in the first one. The family dynamic between Scott and Dr. Evil - the adventures of being an evil single parent - needed to be explored. 

Mike Myers

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A Touch of Humor

 Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

Jim Carrey

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A Touch of Humor

 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. 

Fran Lebowitz

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A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

 'Crazy' is a term of art; 'Insane' is a term of law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble. 

Hunter S. Thompson

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A Touch of Humor

 I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. 

-David Letterman

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A Touch of Humor

 There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

- Chris Rock

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A Touch of Humor

 I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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A Touch of Humor

 I saw a stationery store move. 

-Jay London

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