A Touch of Humor

 I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

 Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

 When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. 

Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

 We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

 Milton Berle

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A Touch of Humor

 If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.

 William Feather

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A Touch of Humor

 Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

 Jerry Seinfeld

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A Touch of Humor

 I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

 Muhammad Ali

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A Touch of Humor

 Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. 

Harry S Truman

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A Touch of Humor

 The main problem with writing in verse is, if your fourth line doesn't come out right, you've got to throw four lines away and figure out a whole new way to attack the problem. So the mortality rate is terrific.

- Dr. Seuss

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A Touch of Humor

 Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

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A Touch of Humor

 If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free. 

P. J. O'Rourke

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A Touch of Humor

 I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. 

George Carlin

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A Touch of Humor

 I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. 

Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

 I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff. 

Bob Uecker

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A Touch of Humor

 It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen. 

- Dolly Parton

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A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

 “The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

― Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

― Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

A Touch of Humor

 A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!

Tom Wilson

A Touch of Humor

 “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

― Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower! 

Jim Carrey