A Touch of Humor

  "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."

George Bernard Shaw

A Touch of Humor

 Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. 

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 “A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower! 

-Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. 

Andy Rooney

A Touch of Humor

 I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

A Touch of Humor

 Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

A Touch of Humor

 Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

A Touch of Humor

 I googled “Rorshach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

A Touch of Humor

 I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for

. W. C. Fields

A Touch of Humor

 The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

 Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

 If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. 

Jerome K. Jerome

A Touch of Humor

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. Harold Wilson

A Touch of Humor

 "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." 

- Jackie Mason

A Touch of Humor

"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."

 - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A Touch of Humor

 "I can resist everything except temptation." 

- Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

 - Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

 - Rita Rudner