A Touch of Humor

 "Scientists have found that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98% accuracy. The other 2% just thought it was a really cute butt." 

- Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives." 

- David Letterman

A Touch of Humor

 "The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about." 

- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 "Some people say that money can't buy happiness, but I think it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle." 

- Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you."

 - Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "I love airports because the rules of society don't apply. You can walk around in your socks; you can throw a tantrum; you can eat a Nature Valley granola bar for dinner." 

- Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

 "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted.' There was another sign below it that said 'self-service.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit." 

- Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I? 

Answer: Footsteps.

A Touch of Humor

 What has a heart that doesn't beat? 

Answer: An artichoke.

A Touch of Humor

 "I have a photographic memory, but it's out of film."

 - Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

A Touch of Humor

 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 

Mae West

A Touch of Humor

 “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

― Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." 

- Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. 

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before. 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

 “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

—Will Ferrell

A Touch of Humor

 The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. 

Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. 

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 “I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”

― Bill Watterson