A Touch of Humor

 I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen

A Touch of Humor

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Touch of Humor

 I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

Sam Kinison

A Touch of Humor

 Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for.

 Johnny Depp

A Touch of Humor

 My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. 

Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Phillips

A Touch of Humor

 When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

  “I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

—Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

A Touch of Humor

 First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Fred Allen

A Touch of Humor

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

Maria Bamford

A Touch of Humor

 We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."

Brad Stine

A Touch of Humor

  "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

Demetri Martin

A Touch of Humor

 My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney quotes

A Touch of Humor

 Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

Gilbert Godfried

A Touch of Humor

 I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

 Zach Galifianakis

A Touch of Humor

 "For fast-acting relief, try slowing down."

-Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

"What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me."

-Amy Poehler

A Touch of Humor

 "I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back." 

- Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby."

 - Natalie Wood

A Touch of Humor

 "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

 - Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Daniel Tosh