A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] There is one positive impeachment-related development, which occurs when Rep. Eric Swalwell, appearing on MSNBC, makes the following statement: “So far the evidence is uncontradicted that the president used taxpayer dollars to help him cheat [GIANT FART SOUND] an election.” This results in several days of spirited debate on Twitter concerning the issue of whether Swalwell cut the cheese (he denies it) with people of all political persuasions weighing in on #fartgate in the closest thing we have had to a genuinely open-minded national conversation in years.

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

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[Looking back on 2019] At issue is the situation at the Mexican border, which either is or is not a Crisis depending on which cable news network you prefer. President Trump wants a high concrete wall, but at the moment there is only enough money for a sternly worded south-facing billboard. 

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

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"Thankfully, dreams can change. If we had all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses." —Stephen Colbert

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Yeah, I know I'm ugly ... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said, 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

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TYPO FUN

The English language is made to order for typographical errors ...  because the vast number of words whose meanings can be radically altered by the addition, omission, or transposition of a single letter. here are some actual examples from newspapers ...

1) “Tomorrow we may expect strong northwest winds reaching a gal in exposed places.”

2) “They were married and lived happily even after.”

3) In a personal column: “Josephine, please take me back. It was just a passing fanny. Your George.”

Thank you to my friend Tom Brown who published this humor on his Facebook Page.

A Touch Of Humor

You know what I love about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs.

David Letterman

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"Peanuts" humor from my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page.

Lucy: "In the Cruise Ship of Life, some people place their deck chairs to the fore and look at what's coming, and others place theirs to the aft and look at what's past. In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, which way is your deck chair facing?"

Charlie Brown: "In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, I'm one of those who can't get my deck chair unfolded."

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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Emo Philips

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"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, [conservatives] tell us [the poor]'ve lost all incentive because we've given them too much money." -- George Carlin

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"Oh ... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Homer Simpson

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"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

Mitch Hedberg 

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“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”– Mark Twain

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“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

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I was watching the Indy 500, and I was thinking if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

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If it wasn't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Author Unknown

Quote from my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page

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“NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?” 
― Bill Maher

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“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

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Authorities in Michigan are looking for a group of thieves that recently stole 22,000 apples from an orchard. If convicted they could be sentenced to up to three more weekends of apple picking.

Seth Meyers

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“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves

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“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time ... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

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“I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.” 
- George Bernard Shaw

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“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” – Socrates (Circa 400 BC)

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"Facts are stupid things."

—Ronald Reagan, at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, "Facts are stubborn things"

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“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.” – Michael Shermer

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“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White (97-years-old)

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Humor published on my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page:

Universal Laws

1) Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

2) Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

3) Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

A Touch Of Humor

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn

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“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx

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They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

David Letterman

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“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

– Al McGuire

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"In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards."  - Mark Twain

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4 Stages Of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus

3) You are Santa Claus

4) You look like Santa Claus

Author Unknown

Shutterstock.com

A Touch Of Humor

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Dear Reader: This Is From A Real Taco Company Ad

“Every taco is hand-rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan virgins.

Or, Carlos, depending on who's available.”

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"Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun."

Andy Borowitz

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NASA's Mars Lander found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Right now it's searching for tequila.

David Letterman

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“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing

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“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln

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"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."  -- Mark Twain

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Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

Author Unknown

Quote from Steven Freier Facebook Page

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"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."

—President George W. Bush, Sept. 17, 2002

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Researchers in Virginia announced this week that they have successfully trained rats to drive tiny cars. Said New Yorkers, “great maybe they’ll stop taking the subway.”

Seth Meyers

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“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”  
- George Carlin

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"Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you." - Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

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Senator Bernie Sanders held a 26,000 person rally this weekend in Queens. The crowd was so huge that Bernie almost had to use a microphone.

Seth Meyers

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"A zebra does not change its spots."

—Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

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Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Ann Landers

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"McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed ‘Disappointment Meals.'”

Jimmy Kimmel

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Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

Conan O'Brien

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“Since the topic is science, the non scientists don't get a vote. We shouldn't decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can't be wrong!” 
― Bill Maher

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Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer Simpson

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"Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents, three of them intimately."

—Joe Biden, Aug. 22, 2012

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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’ 

—Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

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I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

Wanda Sykes

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"Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there's one thing that's guaranteed to get American women on your side, it's a foreign model who's married to a billionaire and never has to work." – Conan O'Brien

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"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and ‘Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin 

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"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." – Jon Stewart

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I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller

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"This doesn't happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not America," –Homer Simpson, after being thwarted by an electronic voting machine in his attempt to vote for Barack Obama

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And I haven't even brought up religion. But here's one fun fact I'll leave you with: Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which came first. 

Bill Maher 

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It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything any more if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Steve Martin

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“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” 
― George Bernard Shaw, From his play, Major Barbara

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"If I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy." ​

—Bill Clinton, on "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan [Inca] mummy on display at the National Geographic Museum

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I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

Wanda Sykes

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"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

—President George W. Bush, regarding harming America, Aug. 5, 2004

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"Bernie Sanders yesterday interrupted his own speech to rush to the aid of a man who fainted in the audience. Luckily, Bernie was able to shout him back to consciousness: 'ARE YOU OK? WAKE UP, THE MIDDLE CLASS IS DISAPPEARING!'" –Seth Meyers

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After President Trump claimed his slashing pollution standards would create "extremely environmentally friendly cars," Stephen Colbert remarked:

"Removing pollution standards makes cars environmentally friendly the way removing the poison level will make arsenic an energy drink."

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"Liberal Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot." – Conan O'Brien

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Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: "Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There's just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?"
Mr. Burns: "Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?" Krusty: "Russian hooker, you tell me."
Burns: "We'll say you were on a fact finding mission."

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Jon Stewart, on Fox News contributors saying that Sesame Street is "an insidious form of brainwashing and propaganda" by "the lofty left": "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

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“A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids’ costumes.” 

Jimmy Kimmel

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Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed  to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers

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“New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, "In God We Trust.” 
― Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

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“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” 
― Groucho Marx

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I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

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“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

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“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
― Bill Maher

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I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'

Wanda Sykes

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The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

Colin Quinn

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“Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

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Sometimes, the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

Author Unknown

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It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

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Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Dave Barry

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“If you're Native American and you pray to the wolves, you're a savage. If you're African and you pray to your ancestors, you're a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that's just common sense.” 
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

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The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Erma Bombeck

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You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Steve Martin

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To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in the mail one day and say, 'Aw shit, I'm secretary of state next month.'

Wanda Sykes

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Authorities in South Carolina have dropped drug charges against a college football player after a test proved the white substance on the hood of his car was bird poop, not cocaine. Though I can understand their suspicion because everyone knows the best place to hide cocaine is on the hood of your car.

Seth Meyers.

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For the rich there’s THERAPY.

For the rest of us there’s CHOCOLATE.

Author Unknown

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“New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math.” 
― Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

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“When did ignorance become a point of view?” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

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"The number of households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. This is America! The only excuse for not having a TV in your home is, you’re too fat to fit into Best Buy to get one.”

Jimmy Kimmel

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Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

Homer Simpson

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When you play spin the bottle if they don't want to kiss you, they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old, I owned my own home.

Phyllis Diller

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“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” 
― George Bernard Shaw

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The Princeton Review recently named Syracuse University America’s number one party school. Said people at Syracuse, “This is a school?”

Seth Meyers

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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

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Trevor Noah on being a comedian: "If this comedy thing doesn't work out, I've always got poverty to fall back on."

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“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”– Navjot Singh Sidhu

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Dear Abby: Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2-pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2-pound baby be this premature? —Wanting to Know
Dear Wanting: The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.

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“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”– Jim Rohn

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“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”– Samuel Goldwyn

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Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Santa Claus.

Bart Simpson

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It wasn't that long ago when a kid in America broke his leg, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun stuck a thermometer in his ass, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle, and you were done. The bill was $1.50; plus, you got to keep the thermometer. 

Bill Maher

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“Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

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“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.” 

- Charlie Brown (“Peanuts”) 

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“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
— George Bernard Shaw, playwright (to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill)

"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
— Churchill's response” 
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) (Renowned British Playwright)

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The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' 

Anonymous 

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“What's another word for thesaurus?” 
― Steven Wright

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Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel!

Homer Simpson

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Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions? —M.J.B. in Oakland, Calif.
Dear M.J.B.: Yes. Run for a public office.

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“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”– Sam Ewing

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“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” 
― Steven Wright

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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Phyllis Diller

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“The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams, is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

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“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” 
― Groucho Marx

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“Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it....” 
― George Bernard Shaw

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One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends. If they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

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“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”– Conan O’Brien

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When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So, I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster."

Emo Philips

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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry

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“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand

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Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

Bill Maher

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“The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

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“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'”– Homer Simpson

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Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.

Conan O'Brien

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“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”– Oscar Wilde

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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

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“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin

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“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”– Jane Wagner

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“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

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“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.” 
― Groucho Marx

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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg

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“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

– Rodney Dangerfield

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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Phyllis Diller

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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

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The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again - Erma Bombeck

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“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

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A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'

Conan O'Brien

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“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”– Jackie Mason

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“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.” 

- Mitch Hedberg

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Doctors say its okay to have sex after a heart attacked provided you close the ambulance door.

Phyllis Diller

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When I was a kid, nobody was nice. I was 6-years-old [when] I found out there is no such thing as Alpo baby food.

Rodney Dangerfield

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“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison

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“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”– Dilbert (Comic Strip)

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“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”– Zig Ziglar

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“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

– Homer Simpson

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“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas

A Touch Of Humor

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

– George Burns

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

A Touch Of Humor

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way I'd visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

A Touch Of Humor

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring ... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
― Calvin and Hobbes.

A Touch Of Humor

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possible flipping a coin.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Than I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips.

A Touch Of Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time ... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

A Touch Of Humor

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

God created man, but I could do better.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

Y'know you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those that don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

A Touch Of Humor

“How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch Of Humor

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg.

A Touch Of Humor

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” 
― Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.” 
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

A Touch Of Humor

I was an ugly kid too. My old man took me to the zoo. The guy at the gate thanked him for returning me.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Think about it... 
The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. 
No wonder they don't believe in evolution.” 
― Andy Borowitz