A Touch Of Humor

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything any more if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” 
― George Bernard Shaw, From his play, Major Barbara

A Touch Of Humor

"If I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy." ​

—Bill Clinton, on "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan [Inca] mummy on display at the National Geographic Museum

A Touch Of Humor

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

Wanda Sykes

A Touch Of Humor

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

—President George W. Bush, regarding harming America, Aug. 5, 2004

A Touch Of Humor

"Bernie Sanders yesterday interrupted his own speech to rush to the aid of a man who fainted in the audience. Luckily, Bernie was able to shout him back to consciousness: 'ARE YOU OK? WAKE UP, THE MIDDLE CLASS IS DISAPPEARING!'" –Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

After President Trump claimed his slashing pollution standards would create "extremely environmentally friendly cars," Stephen Colbert remarked:

"Removing pollution standards makes cars environmentally friendly the way removing the poison level will make arsenic an energy drink."

A Touch Of Humor

"Liberal Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot." – Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: "Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There's just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?"
Mr. Burns: "Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?" Krusty: "Russian hooker, you tell me."
Burns: "We'll say you were on a fact finding mission."

A Touch Of Humor

Jon Stewart, on Fox News contributors saying that Sesame Street is "an insidious form of brainwashing and propaganda" by "the lofty left": "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

A Touch Of Humor

“A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids’ costumes.” 

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch Of Humor

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed  to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers

A Touch Of Humor

“New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, "In God We Trust.” 
― Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

A Touch Of Humor

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” 
― Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

A Touch Of Humor

“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
― Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'

Wanda Sykes

A Touch Of Humor

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

Colin Quinn

A Touch Of Humor

“Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes, the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

Author Unknown