A Touch Of Humor

I saw this guy talking about global warming ... But he said we have to do something to stop cow flatulence. And I said to myself, I can't even stop my own flatulence.

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

IF ONLY:
Closed Minds
Came With Closed Mouths.

Unknown Author, Quote from my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

A Touch Of Humor

“We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

A Touch Of Humor

I watched Dr. Fauci on TV and he said this virus is a war and we have to fight it like war. I feel like a prisoner of war in my own home. It’s the only war when the war is over the prisoners are fatter than when the war began.

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

“Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

A Touch Of Humor

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. - Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

The other day I was in my bank. They got signs all over there, ‘In this bank you have a friend.’ Last month I was two payments behind. My friend took away my car.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

[A 98-year-old man at the DMV with his great-granddaughters, renewing his license] He goes, "Girls, did you mark me down as a donor?"

Oh, that's a real old heart. Who draws the short straw on that operation. Oh, good news Bob! We found you a heart! Ah, bad news, you got two years to live.

Mary Mack

A Touch Of Humor

Pages of his previously unpublished notes show that Isaac Newton proposed curing plague with toad vomit using blended powdered toad with toad vomit to form “lozenges… “

To which 17th century England said, “We’ll stick with the plague.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

The problem for me with Hydroxychloroquine is I think it's a gateway drug for Lysol.

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I married a tough one. Tami is a tough, tough woman. First thing she did when we got married was take my spine away from me. She did. She keeps it in her purse. It's handy in case I have to do something manly. At 3 o'clock in the morning, [she says] "I heard a noise. Here's your spine. Go down and see what it is."

Jeff Allen

A Touch Of Humor

It’s good to see that in Georgia things are becoming normal again. And when I say becoming normal I mean being able to get a tattoo of Jesus wrestling a snake.

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

[Las Vegas Reopening] Going to a casino during the pandemic is that gray area between regular roulette and the Russian kind.

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch Of Humor

The Department of Agriculture announced last week that a dog in New York had tested positive for the coronavirus. Ah, that’s too bad said the cat who coughed on him.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

It's turning ugly in Beverly Hills. It's got nothing to do with the coronavirus. It's just the Botox is wearing off.

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

If you see me talking to myself, please go your way.
   I'm self employed and having a staff meeting.

Author Unknown (Courtesy, April Pitcairn on Facebook)

A Touch Of Humor

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Emo Phillips

A Touch Of Humor

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. - Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

[Pandemic Stay-At-Home Order] For me it's got some advantages. Like tonight I'll say to my wife, honey I'd love to take you to that new vegan restaurant. But it's against the law!

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

Californians, we miss our gyms. Not the workouts so much, the staring at yourself in the mirror part.

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

In Las Vegas several big hotels on the strip are slated to be up and running starting a week from tomorrow but with safety measures in place. Casinos will now be offering no contact curbside delivery which means you can drop off your money and then drive away without ever having to go inside to lose.

Jimmy Kimmel