A Touch of Humor

 

“Everyone wants to be famous until they realize fame means having your worst moments on YouTube forever.”

— John Mulaney

A Touch of Humor

 

“I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time.’ I said, ‘How about the kitchen?’”

— Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 

“I once gave my wife a birthday card that said, ‘You’re the best wife I could ever ask for.’ She gave me one that said, ‘You’re the only husband I’ve got.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“My girlfriend and I broke up over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t.”

— Adam Ferrara

A Touch of Humor

 

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you’ve got to rock it back and forth a few times.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m at the age where I still do stupid things… but slower.”

— Dave Chappelle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t get no respect. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“Marriage is a long conversation interrupted by naps.”

— Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 

“Relationships are about compromise. Mostly mine.”

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t need more time. I need fewer opinions.”

— Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

“I don’t procrastinate. I strategically delay.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

“Every meeting could’ve been an email. Including this sentence.”

— Conan O’Brien

A Touch of Humor

 

“I organize things so I can ignore them efficiently.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m not late. I’m on my own schedule.”

— George Carlin